Saturday, May 21, 2016

The Alexander Graham Bell Curve

Hello, and thank you for reading The Square Peg. Your call is very important to us, and in the grand tradition of one business doing what every other one does, we have created this labyrinthine and confusing phone menu for you.

While we will tell you it exists to serve you faster and more-efficiently, it is actually a cost control measure intended to enhance profits for those at the highest levels of employment here at The Square Peg.

But you're not supposed to know that, so don't. 

Okay?

Please listen carefully. Our menu options have changed. Calls may be recorded for quality and training purposes.

Press one if you're a reader.
Press two if you're not.
Press three to repeat these options.

If you're a reader and would like to read the most-recent post, press one.
If you're a reader and would like to read an older post, press two.
If you're a reader and would like to leave a comment, press three.
Press four to repeat these options.

If you'd like to stream the latest post, press one.
If you'd like to view the latest post in hi-def, press two.
If you'd like to view the latest post in TMI hi-def, press three.
Press four to repeat these options.

Did you know The Square Peg has its own app? Press five and enter your mobile number for more information. Standard text messaging rates apply.

If you're concerned about the wildfire burning in Alberta, press one.
If you need a quick and delicious recipe for drop-in company, press two.
If you're frustrated and confused by the fine print on your health insurance policy, press three.
If you've forgotten why you called, press four.
Press five to repeat these options.

Would you be interested in taking a survey after this call is completed? Press the pound key if your answer is yes.

Thank you for waiting—your call is very important to us.

Press one to hear a set of easy-to-remember tips for discussing erectile dysfunction with your doctor.
Press two to order the latest installment of Khloe Kardashian Shops Kabul, available exclusively on Netflix.
Press three to hear a short tutorial on the use of metaphor in fourteenth-century Renaissance literature.
Press four to renew your prescription to Fukitol.
Press five to repeat these options.

Did you know The Square Peg will now deliver breakfast, lunch or dinner to enhance your blog-reading experience? Press six and enter your mobile number for more information. Standard text messaging rates apply.

You are currently caller number 119. Estimated wait times are unavailable. If you wish to contact The Square Peg, that number is currently out of service. No further information is available at this time.

Again, thank you for waiting—your call is very important to us.

Did you know The Square Peg now offers a phone tag option? Enter your mobile number, and we'll do our best to call when you're either unavailable or away from your phone. (You already have our number.)

The first party to actually make contact with the other loses. 

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