Really? There's an App for That?

When they're not plowing their cars into counter-protestors at white supremacist rallies or mailing letter bombs to prominent Democrats, conservatives are chewing their nails to the quick wondering which businesses they can patronize without fear of being brutalized by thuggish progressives.

At least that's the theory behind 63red Safe, an app designed to keep conservatives out of harm's way.

Even more remarkable is that the app's creator, Scott Wallace, felt the need for this despite living in Oklahoma, a place no one would ever confuse with San Francisco. In fact, a January, 2017 Gallup poll identified Oklahoma as the nation's fourth most-conservative state, behind Wyoming, North Dakota and Mississippi.

After narrowly returning home unscathed from a visit to a local gun and ammo shop, Wallace and two co-conspirators developed the app around four questions designed to reveal whether a business was MAGA-friendly:

Does this business serve persons of every political belief?

Will this business protect its customers if they are attacked for their political beliefs?

Does this business allow legal concealed carry under this state's laws?

Does this business avoid politics in its ads and social media postings?

With the exception of question three, I have to confess to being puzzled at what any of the remaining questions reveal. I've never seen a business identified as conservative-only or liberal-only. I've never seen a business that would stand by while a physical confrontation developed between its customers.

And aside from the occasional 'Fuck Trump' spring clearance event or 'Let's Wipe That Pelosi Bitch off the Face of the Earth' tire sales, I rarely encounter businesses using politics in their advertising.

So. Not exactly a litmus test, is it?

Which brings us to question three.

Even in the conservative and heavily-Republican county in which I live, no guns stickers routinely appear in store windows. It is my belief these stem from liability concerns, and do not necessarily indicate whether a business owner is pro or anti-gun.

But as a tribe-building device, I'm sure the 63red Safe app will appeal greatly to the lizard-brained paranoids among us. To be perfectly honest, I can't blame them for having tired of being bludgeoned by sledgehammer-wielding liberals as they shop for milk and laundry detergent or dine at their favorite restaurant.

It's just not right.

For my part, I have issued myself a cease and desist order. It's true! I hereby abstain from shooting, stabbing, clubbing, punching, kicking, striking or otherwise harming my conservative countrymen.

Which is a pity, because no one could remain coiled behind a kale, black bean and avocado burrito bowl and cup of fair trade coffee, face obscured by the latest issue of Socialism, Now! and waiting until the time was just right, than I.

Good times.