Apparently, It's a Slow News Season in the NBA

Dear national sports media,

I have something to share with you. Please listen carefully.

I DON'T CARE IF THE FUCKING LOS ANGELES LAKERS FALL OUT OF THE PLAY-IN TOURNAMENT! I LESS THAN DON'T CARE! IT GOES INTO NEGATIVE INTEGERS HOW LITTLE I CARE!

THE LOS ANGELES LAKERS ARE THE ORLANDO MAGIC! THE WASHINGTON WIZARDS! THE INDIANA PACERS! AND THE OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER—COMBINED!

I DON'T CARE! NO ONE DOES!

PLEASE! WRING YOUR HANDS OVER THIS UNDERACHIEVING, ILL-FITTING BAND OF INJURY-PRONE AND HAS-BEEN SUPERSTARS IN PRIVATE WITH YOUR FELLOW LAKER SYCOPHANTS!

THERE, YOU CAN COLLECTIVELY MOURN THE DEATH OF PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL! WHATEVER! THE NBA (NOT TO MENTION LIFE ITSELF) WILL GO ON—SOMEHOW!

TAKE A STEP BACK! SEE THE FOREST, NOT THE TREES! STRIKE 'LAKERS' FROM YOUR VOCABULARIES! MAKE-DO WITH TWENTY-NINE PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL TEAMS! 

IS THAT SUFFICIENT? DOES THIS PROVIDE YOU WITH A SUITABLE NUMBER OF STORIES AND STORY LINES? CAN YOU CONTINUE AS PROFESSIONAL SPORTSWRITERS WITH BUT 348 PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL PLAYERS TO SCRUTINIZE, CRITICIZE AND IDOLIZE?

CAN YOU?

IN THE INTERESTS OF SUSTAINING YOUR PUBLICATIONS AND YOUR READERSHIP (NOT TO MENTION YOUR CAREERS), PLEASE TRY.

Best Regards,

La Piazza Gancio (Laker-free since birth.)