Overzealousness

I love the function on my bank's ATM that ensures I'll never leave my card behind because it requires me to remove it before I can retrieve my cash.

And the dual-function trunk/fuel filler door release on my Accord. Mindful that it could unknowingly be engaged by someone pressing down on it with their foot, the worst-case scenario would only release the fuel filler door—not the trunk lid. (Opening that requires a more-purposeful pull of the floor-mounted lever.)

And since the fill pipe is covered by a cap, no harm, no foul.

So, yeah. These are two examples of simple, smart and effective design.

If only we could apply same to school zones.

Why must I slow to 35 MPH from 50 because I am nearing the entrance to a school driveway, which by my calculations is used just twice a day? The school itself is several hundred feet from the roadway. Limiting the hours it was in effect would make this semi-palatable.

But until then, on a Sunday afternoon in July I need to slow to 35 MPH? Really?

Then there is another school zone which requires me to slow to 20 MPH from 50 whenever school is in session. I'm guessing the teaching is suspect because students are clearly not captivated and are making a break for it. All. Day. Long.

Has anyone tried locking the doors?

I can go on, and will.

School buses. You know, those roadway nuisances public opinion demands that we love, honor and obey.

I have nothing against the buses themselves. Just the layers of overheated legislation we cloak them in with the expectation that this will forestall even a single mishap. Ever.

But however much we want to, we cannot legislate bad and unwanted things out of existence.

With bus operators forbidden from releasing students into oncoming traffic, why is it necessary that all traffic must come to a complete halt while a school bus is discharging its passengers? There are no roads to cross! Why are students running straight into their mom's/dad's/guardian's arms so ridiculously over-protected?

And what of the five-foot arm that swings down to corral all but the most-addled child from ever running into stilled traffic?

Sigh.

PC cowardice is the reason. No elected school official or politician will stand up and say we have sufficiently protected our students on their treks to and from school and that no further action need be taken.

(Can't we get this safety-crazy about the ocean of guns out there? Please?)

From our collectively warped perspective, that would qualify as being anti-kid. Which is almost as bad as being anti-dog.

What next? Do we empty the streets whenever school buses are in service? These physical manifestations of 'Baby on Board' signs need to cease and desist.

At some point during Dubya's administration I stopped asking 'How bad can it get?' because I would invariably find out.

Ditto.

The Stop Light

Ordinarily, I would welcome the distraction of colored lights. I would revel in their ephemeral, continually-changing array, and delight in the sense of whimsy they brought to the hard urban landscape.

But I don’t. I hate them. They are my sworn enemy.

It doesn't matter whether they're mounted on the ground or suspended in the air. They make my upper lip curl in an Elvis-like sneer. They just can’t win with me. I hate the long ones and I hate the short ones

And how the hell do they always know to turn red as I'm approaching, anyway? It's motion detectors, right?

I’ve lost track of the times I’ve seen two-dozen drivers on an enormous, six-lane boulevard come to a stop at the scrawny driveway of a dilapidated strip mall only to stare at an empty intersection. What end does it serve? What point does it make?

I’m convinced traffic signals are set by an evil consortium of brake pad manufacturers and oil companies. That or strip mall land lords.

But that's not all. I hate how they keep traffic compacted into a tight little knot until the next light. It’s like a rolling pressure cooker. Lane changes require elevated levels of testosterone.

The kid subjecting his car to death via hip-hop is invariably next to you. And if you couldn’t assume the next light was red, you wouldn’t be able to see it for the lumbering SUV in front of you.

Aside from making a powerful argument for Libertarians and insuring that our trips take as long and contain as many stops as possible, I really can’t think of a good use for traffic signals.

Maybe I should call Martha Stewart. She might know how to turn them into planters. Or mailboxes.

Anything would be more useful.