Yeah, There's an App for That

Map My Walk (a free app offered by athletic apparel manufacturer Under Armour) came into my life via a sibling, who advised installing it when she heard my complaints that my phone's stopwatch wasn't quite the tool it promised to be.

Map My Walk was ready, willing and able. It could (and did) record my entire workout. Given the pitiable performance of the aforementioned stopwatch, it was a huge and welcome blessing. “You mean it stays on the entire time? Not just for, like, twelve minutes? Wow!”

Life was good. Calories burned, steps taken, the distance covered and the time it took to do so were all faithfully recorded and stored. Sure, there were days when Under Armour would encourage you to “upgrade”, rendering the app unavailable to anyone who didn't wish to. But it was just a single workout. The app was back to normal the next day.

I don't remember the first time a problem reared its ugly head, but this year they have become almost routine.

First off, I begin and end my walk at fixed points. In other words, I begin and end my walks at the exact same place every day. And yet Map My Walk has computed the distance traveled as anywhere between 2.22 and 2.29 miles.

Huh?

Then there's the pause button. This is supposedly a courtesy offered the user who needs to temporarily suspend the timer to either tighten a shoelace, chat with a friend, pick-up after their dog, etc. It is also employed at the finish of the end-user's walk.

The problem is that it only works about two-thirds of the time. “Look! I've hit pause a dozen times and the clock is still ticking! Wow!” The concept of 'pause' is, at these times, purely theoretical. As is the idea of obtaining an accurate and reliable record of your walk.

Left unattended, the clock will run until your phone's battery is drained. (On a personal note, I advise avoiding this outcome whenever possible.) To prevent battery failure, continue to press the pause button. While doing so may provoke long-term cartilage and/or nerve damage, it can be justified in the event your phone's battery survives.

Turning off the phone is another option.

So the pause button has decided to work today. Quickly press the new button (hold to finish) that should appear just to the left of the pause button. Keep it pressed until the red minute hand has completed its cycle.

(I should take a moment to salute the hold to finish button. It is the lone function on Map My Walk that has performed as intended.)

Okay.

With the data from the walk now secure, you no doubt want to save it for future reference. And here's where we encounter the first glitch seen continuously for seven consecutive days.

Go ahead—press save workout. Where once your record was installed in Map My Walk's file, it has recently greeted me with the message stating there has been an error. If I wait fifteen minutes and attempt it again, it will work.

The facts of your walk can then be moved into your file.

But yesterday, there was no appeasing the save workout beast. It refused, time after time, to save my workout. And naturally, there was no relevant help on the app's site. I suppose I should take some solace from the fact I wasn't asked to upgrade.

With no other solution in sight, I decided on the tried and true reboot. Delete the app. Re-install the app. It saved the workout the save workout button refused to. In my innocence, I thought I had fixed/restored/enabled Map My Walk. Dare to dream!

This morning, Map My Walk again refused to save my workout. Deleting and reinstalling the app made not a whit of difference. Most of my fingers are presently unusable.

It's been fun, Map My Walk.

Goodbye.

Where I Was

One month it's the demands external activities make on your time. The next it's head trauma. At least I have a good excuse for being gone so long. Ironically, it was at the very job I had taken to sand-off the rough edges of inflation where I incurred my injury.

I work in a store that dabbles in many things; furniture, home decor, women's clothes and odd bits of gourmet food. I do a little of everything, like most people on the payroll. On this hot and humid Saturday, I was preparing to liberate some overstock when I collapsed, resulting in an unscheduled meeting between my head and the store's cement floor.

Afterwards, I briefly regained consciousness and surveyed the damage. But I soon lapsed back into the netherworld of unconsciousness.

My next waking moment was in an unfamiliar room with oddly-dressed people I didn't recognize. I was in a bed and felt intensely uncomfortable. There were monitors and tubes and catheters connected to me. Where was my job? Where were my clothes? What have you people done to me? I felt like I had been kidnapped and then disabled. 

The nerve-endings in my head were abusing my central nervous system as if it owed them money. My fight or flight mechanism was gearing-up and preparing for escape.

I needed to get the fuck out of there.

Then there was a voice.

“La Piazza?”

It was a nurse, standing next to my bed.

“Is that your name?”

“Yes” I replied weakly.

“Do you know where you are?”

My memory began its long, slow emergence.

“A hospital?”

“Yes. Do you remember what happened to you?”

I pondered. There was a vague memory of the fall, which now seemed like a long time ago. Then blanks. There were questions: how did I get here? How long had I been here?

“I fell at work.”

“Yes. You hit your head and did quite a bit of damage. An ambulance brought you here and we performed brain surgery and your anesthesia is just now wearing off. How do you feel?”

Collecting such events and reducing them to a four-word question seemed woefully inadequate. But given the circumstances, that four-word question was the best that could be managed.

“Tired.”

I remember shifting in my bed, unaware of the significance.

“Okay. Drink some water first. You're really dehydrated.”

I obediently drank and then drifted off to sleep.

The next few weeks are fuzzy, with sketchy memories of incessant checks on my vitals, random personal visits and scattered phone calls. Then there were the unending entreaties from the medical staff to eat. (I lost ten pounds in my first two weeks and didn't resume semi-regular consumption until I was threatened with being fed via a nose tube.)

In my brain's distorted view, my personal doctor had set-up a personal diet years earlier and I just didn't need these interlopers interfering. Left unanswered was how I would consume—much less obtain—that food from my hospital bed.

Eventually I was able to leave the confines of my bed and begin various forms of therapy. Beyond the relief of escaping my room was the challenge of recovering my muscle tone and making sure my brain was capable of handling the mundane but essential rigors of everyday life.

It is noteworthy that on the eve of my discharge, the speech therapist went back to one of our initial visits and shared my responses to some questions she had asked about a short story. To put it nicely, my answers were unrelated.

I remain ignorant of how my brain repaired itself—all things being relative—but it is one of the wonders of my life.

Accompanying my emerging appetite was behavior that, while hardly qualified for a Miss Manners forum on civility, at least wasn't outright hostile. If I have any regrets (aside from falling on a cement floor, of course), it's the uncooperative manner in which I initially treated the medical professionals attending to me.

It's par for the course for people with head injuries to treat all concerned with distemper and disregard. It's the byproduct of the shock, dislocation and confusion that accompanies a head injury.

I am thankful for those who had the wherewithal to see through those temporary conditions and focus on bringing their patient to the best realization of their post-fall potential. I have never participated in that profession, but I am positive it is as challenging as it is fulfilling.

It is because of them I am able to write this. And am able to operate a computer, measure a tablespoon of paprika needed for the Hungarian goulash I ate last night and recall where I stored a spare bottle of body wash many months ago.

It is the wildest of understatements, but it could have ended so very, very differently.