Of Gym Teachers and Bishops

I have a problem with authority. The crappy kind, anyway.

Have since I was in the seventh-grade and a gym teacher reacted poorly to frustration I expressed at failing to bat in three successive softball games.

The fact that I had used the medium of the four-letter word to convey my regret did little to help matters, especially since this was 1970.

In a class full of chronic malcontents and discipline problems, this gym teacher choose to get tough with otherwise quiet, obedient me.

He grabbed the front of my gym shirt and put his face very near mine. I can still see the spittle flying as he laid into me with a fury he never shared with the kids who chronically talked back.

Or hid behind bushes and smoked as opposed to running marathons.

Or mooned passing cars.

But I learned a lot about authority that day. It is likely all I learned at that execrable school.

Authority is fallible. Authority can and does seek the path of least-resistance. Authority is opportunistic.

And that the stated reason for your punishment may or may not be related to the reason you are being punished.

Which brings me to Bishop Thomas J. Olmsted.

Olmsted heads the Phoenix diocese of the Catholic Church, and recently excommunicated Sister Margaret McBride for her participation in an abortion performed at St. Joseph’s Hospital.

McBride was a hospital administrator, and a member of the ethics committee that signed-off on the procedure.

A twenty-seven year-old mother of four suffered from pulmonary hypertension, and eleven-weeks into her pregnancy, it was determined her life was in danger if the pregnancy was not terminated.

Entirely justifiable abortion, right? End of story, right?

Wrong.

Bishop Olmsted’s official statement maintained “An unborn child is not a disease. While medical professionals should certainly try to save a mother’s life, the means by which they do it can never be by directly killing her unborn child. The end does not justify the means.”

Of course, this is only pandering to a political viewpoint. It’s too unthinking, too color-by-numbers rote to be taken seriously. It begs the question what is the real reason Sister McBride was fired?

It wasn’t because she acted in accordance to the most-humane dictates of her faith and served the greater good (one unborn infant being less a tragedy than five motherless children).

We’re ready when you are, Tommy.

Small Government? Or Bigger Business?

Item number-one on the conservative agenda is to make small government a campaign issue. Republican candidates dutifully include it in their recitations of party talking points, and deluded tea-baggers shout themselves hoarse in their frothing, wild-eyed mania for it.

But who does small government really benefit?

Not surprisingly, small government’s most-ardent admirers are wealthy businessmen. The reasons are simple. Observing government guidelines and conforming to government regulations costs money. And the more a business spends on fulfilling government requirements, the less there is for the guy in the corner office.

There’s also the issue of ego. Business is forever a child attempting to convince mom and dad it doesn’t need a babysitter. That it’s old-enough to stay home alone. Government regulation is the wagging finger that says it isn’t.

The small government ideal proposed by conservatives removes the speed bumps from the marketplace, while it diminishes the quality of life for just about everyone else. It lets business do whatever it wants, whenever it wants, wherever it wants. And make no mistake—conservatives are all about the business. First, last and always. The rest is just marketing.

But there’s a problem. Most of us don’t give a damn how much CEOs make. We’re not terribly concerned about the welfare of the wealthy. How can their problem be made our problem? How can government regulation be marketed as an issue constraining our personal liberty, and not one set to clear the runway for business unbound?

Pull out the time-honored tricks. Exaggeration. Lies. Misinformation. Find the lowest common denominator of your constituent’s anger and exploit, exploit, exploit. Push that hot button until your fingers hurt. You remember last summer’s death panels, don’t you?

While challenged by leading anything more than a parade, conservatives are master manipulators and brilliant marketers. They are experts at misdirection: You’re not pissed-off at British Petroleum’s incompetence and lack of accountability! You’re pissed-off at the Obama administration’s response!

In tea-bag land, Wall Street, Massey Energy and BP aren’t proof of what happens when mom and dad decide to forego the babysitter for an evening. They’re proof of how government meddling muddies the waters of commerce.

Do you see the delusion here? The naked self-interest in corporate America’s backing of this idea? Tell me how this differs from ghetto thugs advising their neighbors-slash-victims “No snitching”.

You can’t because it doesn’t.

Business is a one-celled organism. It has one instinct, and one instinct only. And that is to make as much money as possible. Left unregulated, it is a virus which invariably destroys its host. Left unregulated, business runs amuck with the numbing regularity that children choose Happy Meals over six-course, sit-down dinners.

I have a request to make of the hypnotized. Those of you who stubbornly refuse to acknowledge this agenda. Those for whom Lord of the Flies represents a societal ideal:

Keep your six-thousand pound SUV off publicly-funded roads. Bank and invest where there is no FDIC and SEC. Treat your own sewage. Find your own water. Process your own garbage. Buy your kids’ toys from China. Kindly purchase your meat, produce and pharmaceuticals at flea markets. Or better yet, an open air stall in Tijuana. And care for your developmentally-disabled offspring by yourself.

Fish near BP oil rigs. Work in Massey Energy coal mines. Develop your retirement plan with Bernie Madoff. Fly on planes, drive on bridges and ride in elevators with only a businessman’s promises for protection.

Ride your snowmobile to the furthest reaches of Yellowstone National Park, and dial anyone except 911 when you crash through the ice some winter afternoon. And as the hypothermia sets in, remember you got to keep everything you made.

And should your home catch fire, or a family member be fatally assaulted, we the sighted promise to do our damndest to ensure that municipal, county, state and federal governments don’t intrude and compromise your principles. And may I assume you’ve already bid adieu to Medicare and Social Security?

Thank you.

For the rest of us, small government is wealthcare dressed as populist outrage.

To be sure, government has abused taxpayers. Too often acted in the interests of a monied minority at the expense of the greater good. But to fall for the sucker punch offered by conservatives who demand its dismantling is throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

This is a problem with a solution. And that solution is better government, not less.

Rewriting History

Sixteenth-century astronomer Nicolaus Copernicus was the first to posit that the Earth revolved around the sun—and not the church.

To say this was a dangerous idea at a time when the church wielded absolute control is underscored by the fact Copernicus was branded a heretic after the publication of his De revolutionibus orbium coelestium (which works out to On the Revolutions of the Celestial Spheres in English).

After his death in 1543, the great astronomer spent the next four-hundred sixty-seven years in an unmarked grave, guilty of free-thought in an age that demanded unblinking allegiance to the prevailing religous dogma.

But last Saturday, Copernicus was re-buried as a national hero in his native Poland.

It is the graceful re-write of history we see far too little of; a bishop in the same Catholic Church that had accused Copernicus of heresy initiating a search for the astronomer’s remains, determined that his discoveries receive the acknowledgement they deserve.

In an era where changing one’s mind is perceived as weakness, seeing the Roman Catholic Church reverse its stand on this great scientist is extraordinarily refreshing. It is a giant step forward.

But Newton's law states that for every action, there is a separate and opposite reaction.

And for that, we need only look to the Texas School Board, and the tantrum they’re throwing over the content of the state's history books.

Conservatives on the board have concluded that media manipulation is not enough; that indoctrination of American youth must begin in the public school system.

In the version of American history they propose for Texas schoolbooks, the slave trade is euphemistically referred to as the Atlantic Triangular Trade. The founding fathers didn’t demand a separation of church and state.

And that an essential component of children’s education is understanding the critical role right-wing propagandists at the Heritage Foundation played in shaping our nation’s democracy.

And God forbid we forget these touchstones of American history: Newt Gingrich’s Contract with America, the marketing tool known as the Moral Majority and misogynist-with-breasts Phyllis Schlafly.

What—no history of Fox News?

All of which would be fine if Abbie Hoffman, the Weathermen and the Chicago Seven were getting equal time. But I have this nagging and persistent suspicion they won't be.

While the church illuminated a truth, conservatives seek only to institutionalize ignorance.

Like the great man said, one step forwards, one step back.

Flip-Floppin' with Bobby Jindal

If there’s an amusing aspect to the sordid goings-on in the Gulf, it’s the specter of Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal pleading for aid from the federal government.

That would be the same Bobby Jindal who made such a show of declaring his unshakeable belief in personal responsibility, small government and state sovereignty following President Obama's 2009 State of the Union address.

The same Bobby Jindal who made such a show of decrying the stimulus package. And every other piece of legislation enacted during the reckless and socialist Obama regime.

But when faced with an environmental tragedy, who does Governor Tea-Bag turn to? That's right, the federal government. The same evil and invasive federal government who wantonly trampled his state’s sovereignty and forced unwanted stimulus cash down its throat.

John Kerry isn’t the only one who knows a thing or two about flip-flopping, is he Governor?

I'll tell you what, Bobby. I would hate to compromise your ideology by imposing federal aid on you—not after you made such a compelling argument against it last year.

Why don’t you ask your corporate pals for help? You know, remind them what you said about accountability. About the importance of keeping government out of our lives.

What’s that? They’re tied up in legal? Oh. Sorry.

This isn’t situational ethics—it’s situation comedy. One we need cancelled as soon as possible.

Baby Needs a New Pair of Choos

It’s a sign the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are upon us when you discover that women’s high heels which light up and sell for $2,495.00 a pair at Jimmy Choo boutiques in New York are sold out.



The punch line here is that the battery dies after only one-hundred hours and cannot be replaced. But you have to admit that $24.95 an hour is a bargain for proof that wealth and taste don't always intersect.

I have to confess to being deeply disappointed they're named 'Zap' and not 'Menken'. This because it was H.L. Menken who said “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.”

But at least Florida isn't gouging its conspicuous consumers.

The state legislature there has decided to cap the sales tax on yachts at 18K, or less than the purchase price of the average family-sized sedan. This realizes a savings of 42K for every million spent by beleaguered yacht-buyers.

It was healthcare—not wealthcare—we debated last summer, correct? The batteries in the Florida state legislature's hearing aids must be running low. I wonder if they can be replaced?

Corporate Accountability (With Strings)

Now that we’ve accorded the rights of the individual to corporations, I’m wondering if perhaps we shouldn’t extend the liabilities as well.

Our latest corporate disaster, the Deepwater Horizon offshore drilling project, presents a perfect case in point.

As a job-seeker, I am repeatedly told that cardinal sin number-one is overstating your abilities and credentials. It is grounds for no-questions-asked termination.

Yet the two failed attempts at shutting down the fountain of oil that is spewing a quarter-million gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico every day clearly indicate that British Petroleum wildly overstated its capacity to deal with a problem of this magnitude.

Requiring them to absorb the cost of the clean-up and make restitution to the afflicted parties would seem to be the most-obvious solution.

Unfortunately, the guardians of the corporation that we pretend are our elected representation have limited oil company liability in these instances to just seventy-five million-dollars, or the rough equivalent of one day’s income for a company that earned six billion-dollars in the first-quarter of 2010.

Further proof of how deeply the corporate virus has infected the government of the United States would be that big oil was awarded this cap in exchange for an eight-cent-a-barrel tax on the oil they produce.

When was the last time the government asked you what concessions you needed in order to absorb a new tax? A couple of days? Months? A year or two ago?

Or never.

Publicly, BP has said all the right things. But per usual, actions speak louder than words. And BP has already begun to divest itself of culpability by insinuating that the cause of the spill lies with the out-sourced manager of the rig, Transocean Ltd.

I’m guessing BP’s squadron of highly-paid legal counsel has already begun to outline its defense strategy. And that victims won’t get paid if BP doesn’t get paid.

This ongoing tragedy will have repercussions far beyond the duration of the oil’s flow from the Gulf floor.

Most tragic is the persistent belief that allowing oil companies to drill within the United States somehow protects the United States from its dependence on foreign oil. This is the “Drill Baby, Drill!” crowd’s favorite argument.

Unfortunately, I’ve never had the opportunity to ask them why they believe oil drilled in the United States will (or even must) be sold in the United States. The naiveté is staggering.

For those blinded by the right, businesse's only allegiance is to profit. Exxon, Royal Dutch Shell and British Petroleum don’t care where the oil came from. Only where they can sell it for the best (i.e. highest) price.

There is no law which demands that oil drilled or refined in the United States must be sold in the United States. In other words, you’re not guaranteed an endless supply of gasoline for your GMC Yukon XL because it was drilled off the coast of Louisiana.

Is that plain-enough for you? Do you get it now?

So. While individuals are responsible for the claims they make, corporations with the rights of individuals have liability caps to protect them in the event their propaganda is shown to be something less than true.

God bless the Corporate States of America. I am so very thankful I have never had to defend them in war.

This Modern World

Aside from Dilbert, the best cartoon out there is This Modern World. It appears in free alternative weeklies like the Albuquerque Alibi and the Milwaukee Shepherd-Express.

Like all great cartoonists, creator Tom Tomorrow is blessed with the ability to render the complicated into the simple via a drawing or two.

This Modern World regularly exposes right-wing politics, conservatives and big business for the selfish and self-serving crap they are.

This week's strip takes on Wall Street. Beyond that, I've posted two old favorites for your amusement. Should you desire more (and you should), please visit www.thismodernworld.com for seconds.