Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Pay No Attention! It's Just the Vodka Talking!

When MySpace was much younger than it is now, these surveys used to circulate constantly. One night, I filled this out. My co-author was Alexi Stolichnaya.


Q. What is your salad dressing of choice?
A. 10W30 motor oil.

Q. What is your favorite fast food restaurant?
A. The fish pellet dispenser at the zoo.

Q. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
A. The curb outside 7-Eleven.

Q. On average, what size tip do you leave at a restaurant?
A. I never give unsolicited advice.

Q. What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
A. Unspoiled.
Q. What do you like to put on your toast?
A. A dash of wit, hopefully.


Q. What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A. I refuse to answer that question under the protection of the Fifth Amendment, which protects all Americans from self-incrimination.

Q. How many televisions are in your house?
A. Wait. Could you repeat the question?


Q. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
A. Yes

Q. Have u ever had anything removed from ur body?
A. You mean forcibly?

Q. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
A. Where?


Q. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
A. I'm going to die?

Q. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
A. Fred Funk.

Q. What color do you think looks best on you?
A. Ecru

Q. Have you ever swallowed a non-food item by mistake?
A. Just some campaign promises.

Q. Have you ever saved someone's life?
A. London

Q. Has some one ever saved yours??
A. 16.8


Q. Would you allow one of your little fingers to be cut off for $200,000?
A. Yes, if it were a little one.

Q. Would you never blog again for $50,000?
A. If my readers would stand for it, yes.

Q. Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000?
A. Yes. But considering I was once offered twenty-dollars to put my shirt back on at a beach, the chances are remote.

Q. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
A. And just what do you call hot sauce? I sneer at your hot sauce!

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
A. Only if I could return it without a receipt for cash.


Q: What is in your left pocket?
A. Billions and billions of molecules.

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A. It is?

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A. I won't have it! I won't!

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A. My showering position is kind of hard to describe.

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A. I'm going to die?

Q: How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
A. Why? What did I ever do?

Q: Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
A. When, in a misguided attempt to celebrate the arrival of spring, I danced naked on my front lawn after an overdose of anti-depressants.

Q: What do you want to be when you grow up?
A. Older.


Q: Last Friend you talked to?
A. E.T.

Q: Last person who called u?
A. Fame.

Q: Person you hugged?
A. A census-taker.


Q: Number?
A. Roman, probably.

Q: Season?
A. The off-season--I'm a professional athlete.


Q: Missing someone?
A. Let me do a head count...

Q: Watching?
A. My cat, whom I caught with a partially-completed withdrawal slip to my bank.

Q: Worrying about?
A. Anxiety.


Q: First place you went this morning?
A. Someplace dark, to hide from the sun.

Q: What can you not wait to do?
A. Have sex. With a partner I mean.

Q: What's the last movie you saw?
A. Sober or for free?

Q: Do you smile often?
A. It's more of a leer, owing to some botched plastic surgery.

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