In my ongoing efforts to supply you, the valued Square Peg reader, with timely and relevant blog content, I offer this highly-scientific profile builder designed to articulate your feelings about work.
It will tell you whether it's time to look for a new job or get measured for a boardroom-ready designer suit. You need only to respond to the statements below to discover if you and your job are just a tawdry one-night hook-up or a bona fide LTR.
Read each of the eleven statements and choose the true or false answer that best matches your feelings. Hint: first responses are usually best.
01. Work is a continual annoyance, like a stone in your shoe which cannot be removed. True or false.
02. Only kidney stones pass more painfully than time at work. True or false.
03. When you exit the building at the end of the day, you look skywards, spread your arms in supplication and beseech an uncaring and spiteful god with the words “What did I ever do?” True or false.
04. You’ve ceased listening to Highway to Hell because it bears an uncomfortable resemblance to your drive to work. True or false.
05. Every day you don’t claw your eyes out in sheer agony is a small, but significant, victory. True or false.
06. Sartre’s concept that hell is your co-workers (admitedly a rough translation) may be truer than anyone suspects. True or false.
07. Only a proctologist sees more assholes than you do. True or false.
08. You understand the significance of the German expression arbeit macht frei, and wonder that your employer hasn’t inscribed it on the walls of the cafeteria. True or false.
09. Horrible Bosses isn’t a comedy, it’s a documentary. True or false.
10. Inducing internal organ failure has become a reasonable alternative to getting up and going to work tomorrow. True or false.
11. You are troubled by recurring dreams of animals chewing off their limbs to escape a trap. True or false.
For each true response, give yourself three points. For each false, zero. Total your points and match the total to the profiles below.
00 – 00 Once, you were upset at work. But you don’t remember why. You wonder why you’re paid, because you’d work for free. Work is fun. Like a puzzle. And you like puzzles. And singing songs. And just having fun. At least until your meds wear off.
03 – 12 Stealing office supplies provides temporary, short-term relief only. It’s not a cure. In other words, when you find yourself in a hole, put down the shovel. It’s time to update the resume and begin the search for new employment.
15 – 21 You regularly experience significant discomfort at work. Ditto the realization that sleep aids and anti-depressants only camouflage symptoms. Time to increase your dosage, find a good therapist and ramp-up your search.
24 – 33 Elvis isn’t the only one who’s left the building, is he? Let’s face it: at this point, quitting is just a formality. Like our favorite besotted and jump-suited singer, you left the building a long time ago.