Saturday, July 4, 2015

A Very Special Announcement

Here in the United States, it is Independence Day. The Fourth of July. The anniversary of the day we formally severed our relationship with England and created a democracy free of tyranny.

It is also the day retailers declare is the end of summer—the day they usher consumers on to the next big thing, which in this case would be Christmas.

So I ask you: what better day to announce that I will seek the Republican Party's nomination for the office of President of the United States of America?

Yes, I am the last but certainly not the least of the candidates to throw their hat into the ring. Only I won't be throwing mine. Recognizing its potential as a historical artifact, I'll be putting it up for auction on e-Bay.

This experience will prove valuable when I attempt to align my platform with the wishes of my wealthiest constituents in order to attract sizable campaign contributions. It may not be on e-Bay, but this will be a kind of auction as well.

So. What do I stand for?

I stand for traditional American values: wealth creation. Power. And no taxes—at least not for me. You, on the other hand, should be required to pay taxes because you are an economic drain on the country who receives everything for free.

I believe in keeping the American people anxious and afraid, the better to commit massive amounts of money to our military-industrial complex which will, in turn, fund my next campaign. One hand washing the other isn't merely a mutually-advantageous business and political model, it's a great leap forward in keeping America sanitary. 

And I believe strongly in a sanitary America.

I believe in being business-friendly. In creating an environment where business can thrive without the constraints and needless oversight of big government. In a global marketplace, business needs to be free to pursue the cheapest labor for the best-possible return on its investment. 

Sure, there may be collateral damage. That's just how it is. But if you don't want to lose your job, why did you find one in the first place?

There's a lot of talk out there about corporate accountability. Let me say this. Bhopal was in India, people. The only mess Union Carbide ever made here in the good ol' US of A was made of money!

It's those foreigners who screw everything up. Like BP. I'm glad they were fined for interfering with small business owners and what they do best, which is create jobs.

Now that small business owners have been freed from the destructive tyranny of foreign corporations, establishments like Larry's Fish Shack in Fort Morgan, Alabama (which hired a full-time cashier just last week) can continue to grow our economy.

This is what I'm talking about. Meaningful jobs being created every single day by small business. The road to economic recovery being paved and widened and given those reflective lane markings.

If elected, ladies and gentlemen, I can promise you this: this will be a road with no speed limits! No sir! Not on my watch! There will be nary a digit of government oppression!

Whew. OK.

Lastly, let me say that I believe in the elimination of social programs which coddle people and sustains their inability to be born wealthy, attend Harvard and become presidential candidates. Or five-hundred dollar-an-hour attorneys. Or hedge fund managers.

Yes, I believe everything is a choice. 

If you don't want to be poor and disadvantaged, choose a different womb! It's just that simple. If you choose to be born to a meth-smoking African-American prostitute, then that's on you, buddy. If you can't do a better job of being born, then do us all a favor and don't be. 

OK?

Finally, I want to say that while I indicated the previous bit was going to be the end of my speech, I am fully in favor of being flexible. Spontaneous. Off-the-cuff. I'm not one of those stiff, starch-y kind of candidates—unless my wife screws up the laundry. Heh heh heh. 

You would love to have a beer with me. Honest.

No, seriously. I just want to add that I treasure and respect the sanctity of life, in all its glorious shapes and forms and colors. And that we must never, ever take a human life until it has first passed through the birth canal.

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your time. God bless America.

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