Groundhog Day

In a long-ago episode of X-Files, Fox Mulder observed “Don't all the nuts roll down to Florida.” And while Florida certainly provides us with a bounty of evidence, it can't blame its most-recent bout of stupidity on imports. Nope. This one is wholly homegrown.

Swollen with indignation and suffused with self-righteousness, Florida made it clear that no collection of Big Government bureaucrats and White House Yankees were going to derail Florida's gravy train of robust, free-market riches. No sir!

As has been its m.o., Florida was again an early adopter of the cast-off COVID precautions aesthetic and announced itself open and ready for business. This because in certain states, COVID was beginning to regress. And besides, there were vaccines now—not that everyone was bothering.

But the COVID-is-gone dream Republicans can't stop having proved otherwise. Not only is COVID resurgent in Florida, but its variants are as well. (At least they didn't listen to the CDC, right? Because that would have just been stupid!)

Instead, Florida listened to its businessmen. People with the integrity of a death row felon and the far-sightedness of an Amoeba. “Open it up! Make me some money!”

And everything was going just fine. Bikini-clad coeds were frolicking on the beach, encouraging boxer-clad males to drink to excess and fantasize. Motel rooms were occupied. Bars were packed. Dance floors were an undulating mass of thirsty bodies—the way God intended.

Yay!

But then irksome facts began to surface. You know, the kind that routinely pierce the helium-filled foil balloon of Republican propaganda. Contrary to the Republican-propagated COVID-is-dead storyline, COVID wasn't. And isn't.

Which is why Miami police had to break-up a huge gathering of young spring breakers when they refused to acknowledge that, yes, COVID is in Florida, too. And that they needed to follow the same dreary and un-fun precautions they did back home.

Like a poorly-behaved guest who overstays their welcome, COVID isn't leaving the party because you're annoyed with it. Or bored with it. Nope. COVID ain't going anywhere. Get used to it.

What's more, the harder we try to pretend it's no longer a thing the longer it will be.

I hate COVID. You hate COVID. And they only way we're going to delete it from our lives is to clench. To bear down. To treat it the way Michael Jordan did opponents in the fourth-quarter of a big game.

To paraphrase a memorable line from Cleo King in Mike & Molly, we need to beat on COVID like it owes us money. Capisce?

This is the most serious threat to our well-being most of us are ever going to face. And if we treat it as anything less—even for a week while in Florida—it's going to kick us in the ass.

Just sayin'.