Ted Talks

Poor Ted Cruz. He just never gets a rest.

After abandoning his freezing and electricity-free electorate to frolick in the sunny—and not freezing—Caribbean last month, poor Ted now has to contend with libtards and their ongoing desire for gun control.

Sigh. It never ends.

"Can't I just restrict voting to wealthy white people, gift what's left of the country to the one-percent, outlaw any and all media not named 'Fox' and have the rest of you shut the fuck up? Is that too much to ask?"

Yes, Ted's rancor was on full display yesterday when he was asked to comment on the Boulder, Colorado shootings. Said the great man: “...and every time there's a shooting we play this ridiculous theater where this committee gets together and proposes a bunch of...laws...that would do nothing to stop these murders.

The senator from Connecticut just said the folks on the other side of the aisle have no solutions. Well, the senator from Connecticut knows that is false. And he knows that's false because Senator Grassley and I together introduced legislation Grassley-Cruz targeted at violent criminals. Targeted at felons. Targeted at fugitives. Targeted at those with serious mental disease.

To stop them from getting firearms. To put them in prison when they try to illegally buy guns.

What happens in this committee after every mass shooting is Democrats propose taking away gun from law-abiding citizens because that's their political objective. But what they propose not only does it not reduce crime it makes it worse.”

Ah, Ted. Wonderful words. Mind if we take a look under the hood at that get-tough legislation you and Senator Grassley propose?

Now, you said it would “...stop 'them' from getting firearms”, by which I assume you to mean violent criminals, felons, fugitives and the like.

But on closer inspection, that's not quite right. Let's take a look at how your bill would inhibit “straw” purchases (gun shop and gun show sales where a person with a clean record buys a gun for a person with a record).

According to your bill, such a purchase would only be prohibited if a prosecutor could prove the purchaser knew the recipient either had a record or intended to use the gun in the commission of a crime.

Wait. What's that sound? Oh! It's violent criminals, felons and fugitives laughing—hard!

Seriously, Ted? So how are things in Shirley Templeland, anyway? Here in Illinois, our gang-bangers and would-be felons are just a tad more-wily than your incisive Texas intellect assumes.

Prosecutor: You knew he had a record!

Straw buyer: No. Honest.

Prosecutor: But you knew what he was planning to do with the gun!

Straw buyer. No sir.

Prosecutor. Umm. Well...no further questions your honor.

That's showing 'em, Ted! You're just a real ass-kicker, aren't you?

Okay. Moving on, let's examine the rest of your comments. 

Unlike Democrats, who only seek to fulfill their political agenda, you go ahead and push the time-honored NRA panic button when you reiterate the same tired, threadbare rhetoric Republicans have always reiterated when you say Democrats only want to take guns away from law-abiding gun-owners.

Ted? Be amazingly and strenuously specific and tell me the legislation and the section where Democrats propose this. Please. 'Cause I'd love to see it.

Fact is, you can't. Because it's never been their intent. It exists only in your overstimulated and fevered imagination. But it's a proven pathway to achieving your (ahem) political objective, isn't it?

Finally, please tell me—in excruciating detail—how mandating deeper and more-thorough background checks and outlawing assault weapons is going to make our gun problem worse.

I know you said it would, but you didn't say how it would. Please, Ted. A little detail if you don't mind.

I can wait. 

In an odd kind of way, I'm kind of grateful the whole Trump thing happened. All that swagger and all that adrenaline has gone straight to your head. It has emboldened you and stripped you. Your contempt and your greed and the once-unfathomable depths of your stupidity are now on display for all to see.

It is said that beauty is only skin deep. But ugly goes all the way to the bone, doesn't it?