Georgia on Our Minds

As the struggle for America winds tighter and tighter, threatening to snap like a bridge cable, it was a welcome relief to see an entity as visible as Major League Baseball announce it would be siding with justice and equality by pulling its annual All-Star game from Atlanta in protest of the Georgia legislature's voting bill.

On one hand, Republicans have never been so transparent—or desperate. It's so nice to finally see their true motives on display. Long story short? They're exactly the venal, ghoulish sub-humans we've suspected them of being.

On the other, you can throw out that lip service about love of country and patriotism and God. Oh, and that shit about law and order, too. That is, unless we're talking about the new Republican law and order, which basically asserts 'thou shalt have no other party besides me'.

Yep. Their goal is absolute Republican rule. And even as they mimic them, let's not forget China is the embodiment of all that is evil.

Seriously?

Sorry, but 2021 Republicans present the biggest threat to democracy the United States has ever faced.

The most-ominous part of this legislation is the erosion of power held by the non-partisan election board and the handing over of that power to the partisan state legislature. As it stands, the Republican state legislature will wield total control over who interprets state election results and determines that election's validity.

Care to speculate about which elections would be judged valid? And which ones would not? 

“Bitch” McConnell maintains that no individual's ability to vote has been compromised and that the effects of the bill have been wildly overstated. And while your brain is on pause, kindly ignore that this legislation was enacted just months after a pair of Democratic victories in senatorial run-offs that handed a majority to Democrats.

Yeah, pure coincidence. Republicans wouldn't be working overtime to make sure that never happened again, would they?

If this bill is truly as harmless as McConnell paints it as, why has Ted Cruz become so defensive over the (very public) push-back, telling anyone who will listen that he and a cadre of Republican senators are working day and night to end Major League Baseball's anti-trust exemption?

Gosh. That seems like an even bigger over-reaction than Major League Baseball's, doesn't it, Ted?

I'm thinking Republicans are just really, really pissed-off that high-profile corporations like Coca-Cola, Delta, United Airlines and the aforementioned Major League Baseball see this legislation for what it is, and are outraged enough to go public with it.

On a lighter note, the Chicago Tribune's Eric Zorn selected the following tweet as the funniest of the week ended 4/3/21. It is taken from the Book of Matthew, and like all great humor possesses a sharp sense of irony entirely appropriate to its subject:

"I was thirsty, and you gave me something to drink. Matthew 25:35. *Offer not valid in Georgia."

Kind of says it all, doesn't it? 

Thank you to the tweet's author @AIWashburn. Brilliant.

Ted Talks

Poor Ted Cruz. He just never gets a rest.

After abandoning his freezing and electricity-free electorate to frolick in the sunny—and not freezing—Caribbean last month, poor Ted now has to contend with libtards and their ongoing desire for gun control.

Sigh. It never ends.

"Can't I just restrict voting to wealthy white people, gift what's left of the country to the one-percent, outlaw any and all media not named 'Fox' and have the rest of you shut the fuck up? Is that too much to ask?"

Yes, Ted's rancor was on full display yesterday when he was asked to comment on the Boulder, Colorado shootings. Said the great man: “...and every time there's a shooting we play this ridiculous theater where this committee gets together and proposes a bunch of...laws...that would do nothing to stop these murders.

The senator from Connecticut just said the folks on the other side of the aisle have no solutions. Well, the senator from Connecticut knows that is false. And he knows that's false because Senator Grassley and I together introduced legislation Grassley-Cruz targeted at violent criminals. Targeted at felons. Targeted at fugitives. Targeted at those with serious mental disease.

To stop them from getting firearms. To put them in prison when they try to illegally buy guns.

What happens in this committee after every mass shooting is Democrats propose taking away gun from law-abiding citizens because that's their political objective. But what they propose not only does it not reduce crime it makes it worse.”

Ah, Ted. Wonderful words. Mind if we take a look under the hood at that get-tough legislation you and Senator Grassley propose?

Now, you said it would “...stop 'them' from getting firearms”, by which I assume you to mean violent criminals, felons, fugitives and the like.

But on closer inspection, that's not quite right. Let's take a look at how your bill would inhibit “straw” purchases (gun shop and gun show sales where a person with a clean record buys a gun for a person with a record).

According to your bill, such a purchase would only be prohibited if a prosecutor could prove the purchaser knew the recipient either had a record or intended to use the gun in the commission of a crime.

Wait. What's that sound? Oh! It's violent criminals, felons and fugitives laughing—hard!

Seriously, Ted? So how are things in Shirley Templeland, anyway? Here in Illinois, our gang-bangers and would-be felons are just a tad more-wily than your incisive Texas intellect assumes.

Prosecutor: You knew he had a record!

Straw buyer: No. Honest.

Prosecutor: But you knew what he was planning to do with the gun!

Straw buyer. No sir.

Prosecutor. Umm. Well...no further questions your honor.

That's showing 'em, Ted! You're just a real ass-kicker, aren't you?

Okay. Moving on, let's examine the rest of your comments. 

Unlike Democrats, who only seek to fulfill their political agenda, you go ahead and push the time-honored NRA panic button when you reiterate the same tired, threadbare rhetoric Republicans have always reiterated when you say Democrats only want to take guns away from law-abiding gun-owners.

Ted? Be amazingly and strenuously specific and tell me the legislation and the section where Democrats propose this. Please. 'Cause I'd love to see it.

Fact is, you can't. Because it's never been their intent. It exists only in your overstimulated and fevered imagination. But it's a proven pathway to achieving your (ahem) political objective, isn't it?

Finally, please tell me—in excruciating detail—how mandating deeper and more-thorough background checks and outlawing assault weapons is going to make our gun problem worse.

I know you said it would, but you didn't say how it would. Please, Ted. A little detail if you don't mind.

I can wait. 

In an odd kind of way, I'm kind of grateful the whole Trump thing happened. All that swagger and all that adrenaline has gone straight to your head. It has emboldened you and stripped you. Your contempt and your greed and the once-unfathomable depths of your stupidity are now on display for all to see.

It is said that beauty is only skin deep. But ugly goes all the way to the bone, doesn't it?

Living by the Sword

As an avowed anti-Republican, the mess in Texas puts me in a funny place. Do I snicker? Cry? What is the correct response? Before you label me a hater and paste this on your social media platform of choice, hear me out.

I feel nothing but pity for the people watching their homes freeze. And then flood. For the people getting socked with four-digit utility bills. For the people whose lives have been upended (again) by a storm stoked via climate change.

On the other hand, Texas and its citizens have long revelled in their defiance of any policy that didn't originate with a Republican. Remember how Texas was at the forefront of the masks-are-tyranny protests last summer? Texans glory in their state's self-referencing itself as a “whole 'nother country.” Is there a soul alive who hasn't been told not to mess with Texas?

I guess our ever-changing climate didn't get the memo.

For the second time in three and-a-half years, Texas' refusal to adopt federal regulations with regards to zoning and flood protocols and to ignore suggested protections directed at its energy grid have blown up in its face. Texas is the dumb-as-a-box-of-rocks teenager who believes he can ride his bike with his eyes closed.

Until he can't.

Then he runs home to mom, who despite the yelling and the finger-pointing and the repeated cries to stay out of his life opens her purse and dutifully offers a wad of fresh Kleenex—if not a ride to the hospital (where I discretely point out it is her insurance which provides for his recuperation).

Texas has poached jobs and people nationwide and bragged about it. It loudly claims to offer life without regulation, a state income tax and good old free-market, Republican-styled capitalism.

And I say "Yahoo, partner!"

But here's the thing. Its smarmy, arrogant businessticians want to avoid regulation at all costs, because no one—no one—should be able to tell a white, Texas businessman what to do. They should be free to do whatever the hell they want to do without smothering oversight from the big, bad federal government.

And that's fine. To each their own. 

But it's just a bit disingenuous and a tad hypocritical to turn around and demand aid from that same big, bad federal government before your latest broadside about the evils of overly-invasive government has even had a chance to evaporate.

Like I said, I'm a strident anti-Republican. And I am tired of watching Democrats forced once again to be the parent. Of having to play the grown-up. The reconciler. The nice guy. The one with a fully-developed sense of humanity and bigger, broader horizons in mind.

Yep. Tired. Really. Fucking. Tired.

Texas, pack your play things and go home. Show us some of that famously resilient self-sufficiency! You don't need anything or anyone! It's time to prove it. 

Like that orange-haired asshole you adore, you clearly believe you're bigger than the United States. I'm sure you'd be more comfortable without our suffocating restraints. And our aid.

Was it really that long ago that former governor Rick Perry was making noise about seceding? Hey—anything worth trying once is worth trying twice! Come on, Greg. You too, Rick. I'll even hold the door for ya.

But one thing before you go: mom is out of Kleenex.

Wa Wa Wa

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Preibus is having a hissy fit. 

CNBC (the cable network televising the Republican debates) has been accused of not being Fox. Moderators have been called disrespectful. This in addition to asking challenging questions instead of acting as a public relations advance team for Republican campaigns.

And if this doesn't constitute an all-out war on Republicans, venue thermostats are set too high. 

It's enough to make a candidate throw in their monogrammed Ralph Lauren towels.

We at The Square Peg would like to offer a solution, as well as a few questions we feel will pave the way to a kinder, gentler debate experience for our overwhelmed Republican friends.

First, sunburn-inducing TV lights and reckless thermostat settings hold hidden advantages for Republican candidates in that the reptilian nature of many Republican candidates can be minimized at higher temperatures when they can blink and actually turn their heads.

Secondly, through our extensive global network and the miracle of cryogenics, The Square Peg has been able to locate several eighteenth-century geishas fluent in English to serve as future debate moderators. Compliance has no greater emissary than these kimono-clad icons of man-pleasing servility.

Lastly, here are our suggestions for Republican-friendly debate questions. We are confident no one (with the possible exception of Ben Carson) will find fault with them. 

After all, we at The Square Peg only want Republicans to be happy. And comfortable.

1. My name is ____________.

2. Concord, New Hampshire is the capital of which state?

3. Water is: a.) a liquid b.) a solid c.) a gas.

4. Show me your right hand.

5. Inhale is to exhale as inhale is to ___________.

6. If Ted has two balls and Marco has two balls and Donald swipes four balls, how many balls will Ted and Marco have left?

7. Complete this sequence: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, ___.

8. My birthday is _____________.

9. February is: a.) cold b.) the second month of the year c.) a and b

10. Who's buried in Grant's tomb?