Supermarket Magic

While attempting to decompress after a particularly grueling day of caregiving, I began assembling the libation capable of soothing my frazzled nerves and restoring my weary body.

My anticipated reverie was interrupted when I realized my hands had grown out of all proportion to the carton of orange juice I was pouring from. My now-massive mitts covered three-quarters of the container! I felt like King Kong, capable of snatching bi-planes out of the the sky from atop the Empire State Building.

With puberty firmly in the rear view mirror, there was no way this was a growth spurt. No, something else was going on. After eliminating plastic surgery and exposure to radioactive materials, a more-mundane realization struck me: Florida's Natural had shrunk the carton.

Yes, the robust 64-ounce container of orange juice I previously enjoyed had been reduced 18.7% and now faced life as a 52-ounce welterweight. The real miracle is that the price remained the same. 

Florida's Natural is betting that harried moms grabbing a few groceries in between picking up the kids from school and rushing home to get something on the table for dinner are unlikely to notice.

So while you and I are getting a fifth-less orange juice, we're simultaneously paying 19.7% more per ounce for the orange juice we do get.

And who doesn't think that's the greatest thing ever?

So Florida's Natural: Trump's corporate tax-cut wasn't big enough for you? Pissed-off that you're unable to outsource jobs and receive that fifty-percent Republican-sponsored tax discount for sending jobs out of the country?

Alas, Florida's Natural isn't the only brand name playing this shell game. Frito-Lay, Jay's and

Dannon have been enthusiastic participants as well.

Speaking for myself, I'd rather see a simple, here-it-is price hike. You know, forthright. But clearly I'm in a minority. Which is why companies resort to this kind of nefarious subterfuge. 

Left to confront what is essentially a twenty-percent price-hike in the cost of my favorite beverage, I seek to turn this dynamic inside-out and insert it into the work world. (Preferably in the offices of the above-named offenders.)

Let's say your employer is, well, unenthusiastic about giving you a raise—as many are despite our supposedly booming economy and tight labor market.

How cool would it be if employees could approach their bosses and say “Gosh, Miranda. I know we're (cough) strapped for cash. So instead of embarrassing all of us by asking for more money, may I suggest that I work thirty-two hours a week instead of forty? You know, work four days a week and get paid for five? Kind of like we do with our facial tissue, orange juice, potato chips and/or yogurt?"

Yeah.

The response from the land of do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do would be memorable, I'm sure. I mean, how can our state-supported corporate giants prosper if their employees are allowed to pit their own business practices against them?

Just saying.

More Spin Than a Legion of Vinyl-era DJs

I enjoy jabbing my finger into the carefully-coiffed and studied figure of big business. In a perfect world, I'd be the tiny stone in their shoe they could never find.

It was with this in mind that I wrote Dannon Yogurt after discovering they had shrunk their cartons of Light & Fit yogurt by seven tenths of an ounce while maintaining the price of the previous configuration.

You should know that Dannon isn't the only manufacturer attempting this sleight of hand. Not by a long shot. 

Snack foods, toothpaste, toilet paper, soup—you name it. If the lead bean-counter thinks shaving an ounce or two from the serving or a couple of dozen sheets from the roll is likely to go unnoticed by most consumers, it is as good as done.

It's a beneath the radar price-hike, which is why I delight in telling these folks "I see you!"

I half expected a response informing me of a yogurt shortage, or that the Chinese had developed a sudden craving for the stuff. 

I should be grateful Dannon didn't shrink the serving and raise the price, which incidentally, is the reason for 'New and Improved'. (Displaying their shrewd marketing prowess, you'll notice manufacturers make no attempt to say for whom products are new and improved.)

Without further delay, here is my missive:

Dear Dannon,

I was very excited to see that your new tubs of Light & Fit yogurt have been reduced by .7 of an ounce.

You see, I am recovering from hernia surgery, and the new, lighter packs are so much easier to remove from the refrigerator. It's an older model—you know, the kind with the freezer on top? And when I'd stoop to drag the old tubs out, it put a big strain on my abdomen. So I am very grateful!

Plus, my doctor is also after me to drop a few pounds, so these smaller servings will definitely help me accomplish that. Of course, lifting the older, heavier tubs burned more calories. So I guess we should call it a draw.

I also noticed there was no change in the price. Considering that I'm getting less yogurt, doesn't this amount to a price hike? Trust me, doc is doing a great job of lightening my wallet. He doesn't need the help of a multi-national conglomerate!

I think that in between all this marketing and strategizing you guys are working too hard. Take it from me, that is how I got my hernia in the first place! Instead of lightening my servings and my wallet, you should do one or the other. It's just too damn hot.You know?

Sincerely,

La Piazza Gancio

Their response:

August 16, 2016

Dear La Piazza Gancio,

Thank you for taking the time to contact The Dannon Company. Comments from consumers are very important to us and we certainly appreciate yours.

At Dannon, we take great care to ensure that the highest standards are met in everything we do. In our products, packaging, marketing and advertising, we strive for excellence. When a valued consumer like you takes the time to contact us, we take it seriously. Please be assured your comments will be shared with the appropriate individuals. I know they will find your remarks interesting, and will consider them carefully as we work toward continuous improvement in all areas.

As always, we appreciate your interest in our products and are always available to answer any questions or concerns that you have. If you have any additional questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to call our toll-free number 1-877-DANNON-US (1-877-326-6668), Monday through Friday, 9 A.M. to 6 P.M. Eastern Time.

 
Sincerely,

(name removed)
Consumer Response Representative

Again, like so many of their peers, Dannon completely ignored my question. You have to love how corporations like these reduce consumer inquiries to an occasion for PR. 

Way to stay classy, guys!

I'm trying to imagine the fun I could have at such a place. For instance, when a superior asked me a question I could respond with a verbal resume, informing them only of my latest and greatest accomplishments.

One needs to applaud the (ahem) vigorous work ethic. The unswerving commitment to R&D.

I can hear the executive board now:

“Gentlemen. What's the best way to fatten the profit margin? Do we develop an irresistible new product?”

“No!”

“Work up a compelling new marketing campaign?”

“No!”

“Explore new markets?”

“No!”

"Shrink the serving?"

"Yes!"

I am left to wonder if they expect as little from their employees.