Happy Anniversary

Tradition dictates that to celebrate a first anniversary, a gift of paper is the time-honored way to recognize the occasion.

And I agree.

So it is only appropriate that on this, the first anniversary of the seditious attacks on the nation's capitol, a blizzard of paper gifts be bestowed upon the participants. Things like warrants. Subpoenas. Complaints. Indictments. Citations. Etcetera.

While a fair number of the rioters have already been charged, too few have been treated with the severity their acts of insurrection demand.

Sentencing is always a nebulous affair, with judges given to wide interpretation of events and circumstances. But how is that tears and flimsy excuses are exchanged for slap-on-the-wrist sentences of (gulp) probation and home detention?

Seriously?

That's the price for participating in an organized effort to overturn and deny the results of a presidential election? For storming the nation's capitol and killing three cops? Taking part in a mission with a stated goal of hanging the vice-president?

Huh?

Too typical is the case of Anna Morgan-Lloyd. In an Oscar-worthy performance, Morgan-Lloyd convinced judge Royce Lamberth she was ashamed of the “savage display of violence” she oh so eagerly partook in.

Just a day later she related to Fox News that people were actually “very polite” during the riot and that she saw “relaxed” police offers conversing with rioters and that she didn't really believe the events of that day constituted an insurrection..

(Don't you just hate it when Trumpers don't take their meds?)

Furthermore, when do Marjorie Taylor-Greene and Josh Hawley take the stand? Ted Cruz? Tommy Tuberville? How about Acting Defense Secretary Christopher Miller, who ordered—in advance—that the National Guard not respond to any calls for help originating from the nation's capitol?

The events of January sixth were as spontaneous, as impulsive as the Super Bowl. We know everything we need to know. January 6^th demands top-to-bottom accountability. Scrutiny. Investigation. Hearings, trials and imprisonment.

Excuse the raw language, but we need to treat the participants as if they were Black.

We need to get angry. Stay angry. And make sure January 6th is treated as seriously as it needs to be, with severe punishment for the participants at each and every level.

And to impart to the mentally-ill folks across the aisle and their brain-damaged supporters that sedition is not okay.

Never.

Ever.

Sad

At one point in my life, I loved driving. While never behind the wheel of a British, Italian, German or even Japanese sports car, the well-sprung Hondas I owned provided highly satisfactory driving experiences when I acted on my urge to push the envelope.

Accompanied by the sounds of a deep-breathing engine flexing its muscles, I would row through the gears, judiciously applying the throttle and brake, flattening out curves by riding their apex—it was great fun.

So when I first heard of autonomous cars, I blanched. You mean a computer is going to control my car? It reminded me of the kiddie cars I rode at carnivals, which moved safely at litigation-proof speeds on a pre-ordained path underneath a metal canopy with faded and peeling paint.

Even at the tender age of six, I saw this charade as a bloodless imitation of the real thing and never rode them again.

But times change, don't they?

I now drive professionally, and have grown the loathe the act. Surrounded by packs of motorists convinced they have thirty minutes to complete three-hours worth of errands, I suffer tailgaters, the distracted, the impatient and the stupid.

Upon hearing the concerns of those who question the legalization of marijuana as it relates to the operation of a motor vehicle, I respond that we already are driving under the influence. All of us. Every day.

So autonomous cars now seem like a really, really good idea. Even if they put me out of a job. And in the wake of last night's events in London, they now seem like an even better one.

In the escalating tech war that seeks to eliminate terrorism, terrorists now resort to employing everyday objects as weapons. Cars and trucks have become their weapons du jour.

And the sad fact is that an autonomous vehicle—which strips the driver of the ability to drive—would seriously impair the ability of terrorists to do what they have done in Nice, Berlin, Stockholm, New York City and now for a second time in London.

What does it say about a population that the only way to keep it safe is by relieving it of its free will?

With so many in America seeking to reduce the numbers of those currently in prison, how ironic is it that terrorism is slowly turning the entire world into one?

Rotten Apple

The governor in the state where I live likes to use the phrase business-friendly. He drops it at every turn.

To restore our state's standing, he says, we must become more business-friendly. We must release business from the burdensome restrictions of regulation and taxation so that they might run free, like Labrador retrievers in a dog park.

However quixotic the picture of dogs running free might be, I'd be more concerned their owner possesses a Pooper Scooper and a plastic bag.

And so it is with business.

What Bruce Rauner and other misguided conservatives don't realize is that our businesses are already running free.

The corporate tax rate is a fraction of what it was during the Eisenhower administration. (You can look it up.) Regulations and consumer protections are regularly put on a back burner when they're not being repealed or made unenforceable by budget cuts which gut inspection staffs.

We have tax loopholes a visually-impaired drunkard could fly a 747 through, and yet it's not enough. Like the employees they hold in such contempt, our business class is swollen with an acute sense of entitlement.

As it falls, Apple conveniently serves as example number-one.

They have evolved from the touchy-feely alternative to dry, corporate MicroSoft to become a behemoth themselves, succeeding in the ultra-lucrative hand-held technology market via the iPods and iPhones so many of us can't tear our eyes from.

And so very, very much of the cash windfall they enjoy stays in-house. 

“We earned it” says a string of CEOs and board members, and so they have. Whether conservatives acknowledge it or not, in business-friendly America this is the sole justification required to defend their microscopic tax bill.

And yet when an external threat emerges which threatens the continued security and well-being of the country that has treated Apple with such largesse; one that requires Apple to backtrack on its marketing message and serve something other than its bottom line, what does Apple do?

It reacts with the sour petulance of an employee who's been told to accept a pay cut or lose their job.

I'm pretty sure that if I were caught in an act of industrial espionage in their Cupertino headquarters, Apple could open my iPhone very quickly. But act to service something greater than themselves?

Not a chance.

This is the fruit the business-friendly tree bears. And despite that, we somehow remain (at least in the eyes of cash-drunk conservatives) not business-friendly enough.

Because of their monumental selfishness, I fervently hope the Department of Justice is able to take a big ol' bite out of Apple.

Either that, or let Apple be known as the official cell phone of ISIS.

Letter to a Terrorist

Dear Middle-Eastern Terrorist,

I won't refer to you as Muslim or Islamic, because you have the same connection with that religion that I, a white, non-Muslim infidel does.

But I will say that I totally get you. Like, I am passionate, too.

I just love the way John Bonham's drums sound in “When the Levee Breaks”. And Roger Daltry's scream just as the dam holding back the torrent of the Who's musical fury gives way in “Won't Get Fooled Again”.

And the way Bob Dylan experiments with his phrasing on a good night while singing a song he's sung hundreds—if not thousands—of times. And the Beatles' ascendant voices during the intro of their remake of the Isley Brothers' "Twist and Shout".

And who among us has remained unmoved by the cowbell that introduces “Honky Tonk Women”? It just rocks!

But there are some things I don't get. 

Like why you guys are such pussies. I mean, what's with the face covering, anyway? Did you just moisturize or what?

It's like you're embarrassed to be sociopaths hiding behind the skirts of religion as you feed your true passion, which is beheading children, raping women and setting fire to guys in cages who, thanks to your barbarism, have long since lost the will to live.

Come on.

If Jamie Dimon over at JP Morgan - Chase Bank has the chutzpah to come out and publicly whine about how rough it is to be a twenty-first century banker—even as he makes billions of dollars and essentially dictates policy to America's government—can't you come out and likewise own your passions—such as they are?

It's just really hard to respect you, otherwise.

Even as one with an admittedly faint sense of patriotism, nothing arouses it as does your petulant campaign of coercion, callousness and cowardice. You are the political equivalent of a seven year-old who was denied the use of his iPhone because he didn't eat his vegetables. 

Weren't you breast-fed? 

Perhaps you are a middle child.

Be the man your overheated harangues say you are. Strip away your masks. Show us who you really are. Besides, is it not a bit ironic to realize that in the end, we want the same thing? Does not each of us want to see you reunited with Allah as soon as is humanly possible?

We could even send along some Astroglide and Viagra for those 40,000 virgins. You know. Just in case.

Think about it. You know where to find me.

Sincerely,

La Piazza Gancio 

Profiling

Liberals are upset that proposed security measures for people boarding flights in the Middle East will subject them to ‘profiling’. In other words, these policies could victimize Middle Eastern populations by making them the objects of racism.

One-hundred percent of airplane-related terrorist acts have originated in the Middle East. Yet applying more-stringent security measures there and no where else is racist. Is that correct?

Presumably, the answer is to apply our boundless financial and physical resources equally throughout the globe, if only to avoid the appearance of profiling. Heighten our presence in al Qaeda hot spots like New Zealand, Mongolia and Switzerland.

Okay. Got it. And yes, I’d like fries with that.

If a woman has her purse ripped from her shoulder by a male of a certain appearance, is she sexist or racist if she holds her purse a little tighter when approached by individuals matching the description of the thief, or is she a sentient human being applying the knowledge of experience?

If a store clerk apprehends half-a-dozen people for shoplifting, is he biased if he watches people matching their description more-closely, or is he applying what he has learned through past events?

Terrorism and war are ugly. They are humanity at its worst. Life's sad constant. But to suggest we're racist in our pursuit of a threat that originates in a specific part of the world amongst a specific population is insane.

And in 1944, I suppose these same critics would have pursued Nazis in Bangladesh.

Please. Spare me.

There’s enough genuine racism in the world. We don't need to manufacture it.

This, That and the Other Thing

I don’t remember my dreams. Apart from providing a haunting metaphor, it’s also true. I could be in bed scaling the summit of sexual ecstasy with Megan Fox and I wouldn’t recall it. It’s sleep-induced amnesia.

But last night was different. Not surprisingly, I dreamt of work. I was in a meeting room, seated at a conference table. I was new to the company. The air was thick with stress. Every time the faceless leader said something, a different co-worker leaned over and whispered something bitter and contradictory in my ear.

The meeting was grid-locked. The harder management pressed for resolution, the more staunch the employee opposition. Yet when the leader called for a vote, the vote was unanimous. It was disturbing; I felt trapped by the employee’s public agreement and their private dissent.

It's the usual propaganda about speaking freely and the unwritten rules about never, ever doing so. Work in a nutshell. A head-on collision of colliding contradictions.

Then there’s the Christmas Day terrorist fiasco over Detroit. Republicans have seized it as another opportunity to plant the seeds of fear in our always-receptive soil. Democrats can only issue a wobbly, off-target response about it being proof that ‘the system works’.

If you say so.

Lost in the fumbling and the fear-mongering is the fact the kid didn’t board the plane in the United States! But by all means, let’s re-invent the wheel. When we’re done running around shrieking, I mean.

I’m in complete agreement with a recent Time magazine cover story calling this the worst decade ever. It certainly is the worst I’ve experienced. I’ll be the first in line to give this decade (and this year) a good, hard kick in the ass tonight. Good fucking riddance!

And Happy fucking New Year's to you all. We need it.