Tuesday, June 23, 2015

The Square Peg's Guide to Vehicular Hazards

We at The Square Peg are committed to keeping our readers as safe as they are informed. Which is our motivation for compiling the following guide to vehicular hazards.

Through careful observation and rigorous analysis, we have identified the three most dangerous types of vehicles and have provided handy personality profiles of the people who drive them.

While admittedly guilty of painting with a broad brush, The Square Peg stands behind its findings and maintains that a majority of the following vehicles are piloted by drivers injurious to your continued well-being.

Jumping right in, first place goes to the Jeep Wrangler.

When they aren't rock-climbing, fire-walking or bungee jumping over a pit of starving salt-water crocs, the hyperactive twenty-somethings who gravitate to Jeep Wranglers can be found attempting to replicate these sensations en route to their part-time jobs at REI.

It is usually while blasting Slayer and chugging espresso that the similarities between their favorite driving-based computer game and actual roadways becomes apparent. Competing against a timer only they can see, they zig-zag through traffic in a furious quest to record their best score ever.

Road signs, pavement markings and traffic signals don't apply to them because, like, the Wrangler can go off-road, you know? Seriously. Besides, even if they crash, it's just a matter of pushing the reset button. 

No worries, dude.

It should be noted the Wranger's high ground clearance and short wheelbase makes them prone to rollovers.

We can only hope.

Just half a notch below Wrangler wranglers are the drivers of pick-up trucks. In fact, they are so closely related you could think of pick-up truck drivers as former Wrangler owners who have impregnated someone (often female and human) and no longer live with mom and dad.

(In-laws are another story.)

They have likely shaved their head and now sport a goatee. They enjoy accessorizing with baseball caps which sport the NRA logo. My next paycheck says they can quote dialogue from Duck Dynasty—verbatim.

With the twin burdens of child support and housing, pick-up truck drivers must now confine their thrill-seeking and angst-letting to the commute to and from their job at Al's Stone & Gravel.

They carry a vague and ill-defined sense of unease which they aren't hesitant to share, using their imposing vehicles to harass, intimidate and bully. Pick-up truck owners don't operate their vehicles insomuch as they are armed by them.

Many enjoy hanging testicles from the trailer hitch of their vehicles, which only serves as proof that away from their trucks, most pick-up drivers don't have any.

Finally, third-place goes to the drivers of German luxury sedans: Mercedes-Benz, BMW and Audi.

Their expression of angst takes a different tact. Rather than intimidate you the way the driver of a black Ford F-150 might, drivers of German luxury sedans use the imperiousness of their automobiles to speak for them as they pass you and your pedestrian conveyance in a noiseless, Teutonic rush.

You're not even worth getting angry over. You are merely a speed bump on the road to wealth creation and are easily disposed of by pressing the long, rectangular pedal underneath the tasseled loafer adorning their right foot.

I'm sorry—were you saying something?

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