Two Nights in Trumpland

After dusting and organizing my collection of Celine Dion CDs, I felt restless. So I turned on the TV. I scanned the listings, seeking mirth and merriment. It's not that Celine doesn't provide suitable amounts of merriment; I just needed it in another medium.

“Ah! This is just the thing!” I cried as I tuned in to day two of the Republican National Convention. It didn't take long for the mirth and merriment to materialize.

First there was the badly-bearded Eric Trump, speaking with the conviction and sincerity of a Walmart greeter telling you to have a nice day.

But he did hit his punchlines on cue, repeatedly telling us Donald was going to keep us safe. I said to no one in particular “From what? Pandemics? Recessions? Racial unrest? Election meddling? Oligarchies? Gutting the Post Office? Social Security? And Medicaid?”

But the real hilarity began when I realized half the country would believe him.

It is written that you can't fool all the people all the time. But as Trump's base has made perfectly clear, you can fool half the people one-hundred percent of the time.

Then there was the Trump shill who informed me we are in the midst of several “booms”. A car “boom”. A stock “boom”. And a consumer-spending “boom”. While I confess to not removing wax from my ears as frequently as my primary care provider would like, I have not heard any “booms”.

Have you?

Maybe you have to own shares in Apple to hear it.

Next was the first-ever endorsement of a presidential nominee by a sitting Secretary of State. It's unprecedented. It's unethical. And it may be illegal. But as we all should know by now, our law and order president is The Exception.

His law and order applies to you—not him.

Lastly, there was the fair Melania. She evinced glimpses of humanity in her comments addressing COVID-19, but lost me when she stated the Trump Administration “...would not stop” until the COVID pandemic has been vanquished.

I'm not worried about the administration stopping. I'm worried about it starting.

But compared to the ghouls and vermin stumping for Sir Lies-A-Lot, she clearly has a leg up. And by focusing on her party's strengths (such as they are) rather than participating in the de rigueur fear-mongering, she lends a touch of dignity to what has been a decidedly undignified presidency.

As an occasional glutton for punishment, I then tuned in for day three as well. And suffice to say, I found what I was looking for.

Leading off was daughter-in-law Lara Trump, a former waitress who won the life lottery by marrying the son of a billionaire.

Not surprisingly, she praised her father-in-law to the skies. To hear Lara tell it, Sir Lies-A-Lot has not only ripped away the glass ceiling for women in business, but has fostered paths to leadership like Johnny Appleseed sowed seeds.

See what grabbing a woman by the pussy can do?

Lara's incredibly good luck was the product of traditional Republican virtues like hard work and self-sufficiency. Personally, I attribute it to big blues eyes, (bleached) blonde hair and a not-unattractive figure.

That plus being just skanky-enough to appeal to a Trump male.

What do you think of Lara, Ivanka?

But the political equivalent of irritable bowel syndrome didn't end there. Yet to come was our vice-president, Michael R. Pence.

Have you ever known someone so oppressive that their company made you feel as if someone was holding a towel over your breathing apparatus? That their presence can actually be described as suffocating?

Hello and welcome to the Pence portion of tonight's program.

Like the Midwestern conservative he is, ol' Mike played it right down the middle. The flag. Patriotism. Our men in uniform. The flag. God. Guns. The flag again. Law and order. And God bless America.

As if his acceptance speech needed the visual emphasis, it was filmed at Fort McHenry—you know, the place where Francis Scott Key penned the national anthem.

Is your head hurting yet?

Yes, Mike's lone dimension was on display for over thirty excruciating minutes. To hear him tell it, Donald Trump is the strongest, most accomplished and most effective president in U.S. history. Which of course goes a long way towards explaining the mess we're in.

Personally, I can't wait to see it fact-checked.

Just like you're taught in a public speaking course, Mike dug in at the end. Voice rising, he reiterated the underlying RNC theme: “...we will have law and order on the streets of this country for every American of every race, creed and color.”

That remark brought the tepid audience out of its collective stupor and into an arm-waving, standing ovation.

Tell you anything?

Of course, Mike's definition of 'American' is suspect. As is his definition of 'violence'. Last night he defined it not as the sometimes over-eager trigger finger of law enforcement when it encounters Black Americans, but those selfsame citizen's response to it.

OK. Gotcha Mike.

Pence's speech was the same old Republican fear-mongering I've heard all my life. Biden's going to disarm you! Biden's going to open the borders to a flood of immigrants! Biden's going to raise your taxes! Biden's going to grow the government!

His will be an administration of lawlessness and disorder! One where Americans will not feel safe! We will sacrifice our freedom of religion and our sanctity of life! We will not be strong!

Or free.

If you say so, Mike.

On the other hand, with Biden we would have a president with a proven connection with reality. One who understands the job isn't about him. One who recognizes threats to the population at large and is capable of formulating a coherent response.

We'll have a functional Post Office. Trustworthy elections. Robust healthcare. Social Security. An administration not given to stealing from the poor and giving to the rich. Strong controls to keep our land, air and water pure. 

A population not kept on the knife-edge of fear at the whim of a sadistic president who likes nothing better than to stir the pot and chuckle at the resulting chaos.

We will live in a country led by a fully-functional adult.

Imagine.