Two Nights in Trumpland

After dusting and organizing my collection of Celine Dion CDs, I felt restless. So I turned on the TV. I scanned the listings, seeking mirth and merriment. It's not that Celine doesn't provide suitable amounts of merriment; I just needed it in another medium.

“Ah! This is just the thing!” I cried as I tuned in to day two of the Republican National Convention. It didn't take long for the mirth and merriment to materialize.

First there was the badly-bearded Eric Trump, speaking with the conviction and sincerity of a Walmart greeter telling you to have a nice day.

But he did hit his punchlines on cue, repeatedly telling us Donald was going to keep us safe. I said to no one in particular “From what? Pandemics? Recessions? Racial unrest? Election meddling? Oligarchies? Gutting the Post Office? Social Security? And Medicaid?”

But the real hilarity began when I realized half the country would believe him.

It is written that you can't fool all the people all the time. But as Trump's base has made perfectly clear, you can fool half the people one-hundred percent of the time.

Then there was the Trump shill who informed me we are in the midst of several “booms”. A car “boom”. A stock “boom”. And a consumer-spending “boom”. While I confess to not removing wax from my ears as frequently as my primary care provider would like, I have not heard any “booms”.

Have you?

Maybe you have to own shares in Apple to hear it.

Next was the first-ever endorsement of a presidential nominee by a sitting Secretary of State. It's unprecedented. It's unethical. And it may be illegal. But as we all should know by now, our law and order president is The Exception.

His law and order applies to you—not him.

Lastly, there was the fair Melania. She evinced glimpses of humanity in her comments addressing COVID-19, but lost me when she stated the Trump Administration “...would not stop” until the COVID pandemic has been vanquished.

I'm not worried about the administration stopping. I'm worried about it starting.

But compared to the ghouls and vermin stumping for Sir Lies-A-Lot, she clearly has a leg up. And by focusing on her party's strengths (such as they are) rather than participating in the de rigueur fear-mongering, she lends a touch of dignity to what has been a decidedly undignified presidency.

As an occasional glutton for punishment, I then tuned in for day three as well. And suffice to say, I found what I was looking for.

Leading off was daughter-in-law Lara Trump, a former waitress who won the life lottery by marrying the son of a billionaire.

Not surprisingly, she praised her father-in-law to the skies. To hear Lara tell it, Sir Lies-A-Lot has not only ripped away the glass ceiling for women in business, but has fostered paths to leadership like Johnny Appleseed sowed seeds.

See what grabbing a woman by the pussy can do?

Lara's incredibly good luck was the product of traditional Republican virtues like hard work and self-sufficiency. Personally, I attribute it to big blues eyes, (bleached) blonde hair and a not-unattractive figure.

That plus being just skanky-enough to appeal to a Trump male.

What do you think of Lara, Ivanka?

But the political equivalent of irritable bowel syndrome didn't end there. Yet to come was our vice-president, Michael R. Pence.

Have you ever known someone so oppressive that their company made you feel as if someone was holding a towel over your breathing apparatus? That their presence can actually be described as suffocating?

Hello and welcome to the Pence portion of tonight's program.

Like the Midwestern conservative he is, ol' Mike played it right down the middle. The flag. Patriotism. Our men in uniform. The flag. God. Guns. The flag again. Law and order. And God bless America.

As if his acceptance speech needed the visual emphasis, it was filmed at Fort McHenry—you know, the place where Francis Scott Key penned the national anthem.

Is your head hurting yet?

Yes, Mike's lone dimension was on display for over thirty excruciating minutes. To hear him tell it, Donald Trump is the strongest, most accomplished and most effective president in U.S. history. Which of course goes a long way towards explaining the mess we're in.

Personally, I can't wait to see it fact-checked.

Just like you're taught in a public speaking course, Mike dug in at the end. Voice rising, he reiterated the underlying RNC theme: “...we will have law and order on the streets of this country for every American of every race, creed and color.”

That remark brought the tepid audience out of its collective stupor and into an arm-waving, standing ovation.

Tell you anything?

Of course, Mike's definition of 'American' is suspect. As is his definition of 'violence'. Last night he defined it not as the sometimes over-eager trigger finger of law enforcement when it encounters Black Americans, but those selfsame citizen's response to it.

OK. Gotcha Mike.

Pence's speech was the same old Republican fear-mongering I've heard all my life. Biden's going to disarm you! Biden's going to open the borders to a flood of immigrants! Biden's going to raise your taxes! Biden's going to grow the government!

His will be an administration of lawlessness and disorder! One where Americans will not feel safe! We will sacrifice our freedom of religion and our sanctity of life! We will not be strong!

Or free.

If you say so, Mike.

On the other hand, with Biden we would have a president with a proven connection with reality. One who understands the job isn't about him. One who recognizes threats to the population at large and is capable of formulating a coherent response.

We'll have a functional Post Office. Trustworthy elections. Robust healthcare. Social Security. An administration not given to stealing from the poor and giving to the rich. Strong controls to keep our land, air and water pure. 

A population not kept on the knife-edge of fear at the whim of a sadistic president who likes nothing better than to stir the pot and chuckle at the resulting chaos.

We will live in a country led by a fully-functional adult.

Imagine.

Scarlett Johansson and 'Rub & Tug'

As someone who occasionally suffers from LGBT fatigue, I was pleasantly surprised to see that the LGBT community could be as narrow-minded and prejudiced as the people they purport to abhor.

Which is, apparently, anyone who isn't LGBT.

I speak of the forced removal of Scarlett Johansson from the upcoming movie Rub & Tug, in which she was to play a transgendered man.

The outrage directed at her ignores the fact that she didn't create this role, cast herself and build the movie from there. No. She was hired. Hired by the people who finance movies. But the LGBT trolls ignored that. They went after Johansson as if she were Mike Pence. 

It is my fervent hope that one day they can devote some of their screen time to learning the difference. 

By all accounts, Scarlett Johansson is an okay person. Lost in the overheated and reactionary social media outrage was that she wanted to tell this story. Face it, people. Rub & Tug stands little chance of ever being a Hollywood blockbuster. But you are aware that Johansson signed on anyway, right?

As I understand them, the tenets of the LGBT community are centered around the belief that no one should be prejudged and constrained by preconceptions and gender and sexual orientation as to what they are capable of and the opportunities that should be available to them.

Unless they're a heterosexual female.

Did I get that correct?

Scarlett Johansson, you have exhibited grace in graceless circumstances. And to the hypocrites within the LGBT community who demanded your ouster, live by the sword, die by the sword.

Hopefully, this will be your life-changing, teachable moment.

A Hard Left to the Middle of the Road

It's always a big deal when you find yourself cheering Wal-Mart and Apple, and discover that NASCAR is capable of representing something other than mindless flag-wavers and corporate sponsors.

How uplifting it is to see some of the most-powerful entities in America strike a blow for humanity in the face of odious and toxic legislation.

Yes, the conservative Christian wet dream of government-sanctioned discrimination for anyone who doesn't look and act exactly like them was waylaid by entities traditionally better at exploiting humanity than enabling it.

But how is it that conservative Christians, supposedly immersed in tolerance and love, can't show either? How is it that this seething and petulant minority obtains the political wherewithal to enact such legislation?

I wonder what it says about our government and our elected representation when big business is required to step in and do the right thing. 

Methinks we are in a very bad way.

Let me say that posts to the contrary, I am not a bleeding heart liberal. I am not PC. I'll even admit to suffering occasionally from gay fatigue. On planet La Piazza Gancio, there are several more-pressing issues tearing at the fabric of civilization than whether gays can legally cohabitate.

But hate-based legislation masquerading as religious freedom? That's a big no-no. A great big, ginormous ugh-ugh.

I want the put-upon Christian conservatives of Indiana and Arkansas to experience a real lack of religious freedom. I'd like them to go to Kenya and announce their religious preferences to al-Shabob.

That is a lack of religious freedom. 

Being denied the ability to effectively spit on gays and lesbians is not.

Ignorance is real estate with plenty of room for knowledge. I have the number of a builder if you're interested.