Re-imagining Pearl Harbor

Herein, we re-imagine the attack on Pearl Harbor as taking place today, with the not-quite-greatest generation (defined as 'us', not 'you') left to react and muddle its way through the debris.

It kicks off with Franklin Delano Roosevelt's historic 1941 address, updated to reflect 2021's realities. We at the Square Peg hope you enjoy it.

“Madam Vice President, Madam Speaker, Members of the Senate and of the House of Representatives:

Yesterday, December 7, 2021—a date which will live in infamy—the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by missles originating from the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, better known to you as North Korea.

The United States was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of the Democratic People's Republic, was still in conversation with its government and its emperor looking towards the maintenance of peace in the Pacific.”

It didn't take long for social media platforms to light up.

“It's a hoax!” cried redstatepatriot26. “More lies from Sleepy Joe” added Joe6pak. “This is a gr8 start! Now We take up Arms and Finish DC!” advised 67militiaMan. “Biden's media puppets are already marching in lockstep with this, people!!! Grab your guns!!!” wrote US representative Lauren Boebert (R-CO).

Despite mountains of evidence originating from the military, independent observers and local and state governments confirming the attack and the attendant carnage, a motion to declare war fell strictly along party lines, passing 221 to 213 in the House and requiring a tie-breaking vote from Vice President Kamala Harris to pass in the Senate.

Presidential mandates limiting home construction and automobile production in order to conserve materials required for the war effort are being met with hundreds of lawsuits. Additional mandates rationing (among other things) meat, gasoline, natural gas and electrical consumption are likewise having their veracity contested.

Even the distribution of non-military ammunition is being curtailed, provoking perhaps the strongest outrage from bands of protesters calling themselves the 'Legion of Trump'. They allege this is tyranny of the highest order and urge their brethren to take up arms against a hostile and pernicious government denying them their Second Amendment rights.

With the rest of the world quickly taking sides in the wake of the assault, a global war appears inevitable. With no other choice but to resurrect the draft, resistance is peaking in red states such as Florida, Alabama, Kansas, Oklahoma and Texas. Anti-draft protesters are burning American flags and demanding citizenship in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.

There, they believe, they will be free to exercise their Second Amendment rights without inhibition, eat as many double-cheeseburgers as they can stomach and spend as many hours playing Mortal Kombat as a case of Red Bull will see them through.

When advised of the realities of life in the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (starvation and deprivation among other things), they uniformly point to a tweet by former president Donald Trump advising them that anything that doesn't emanate from his lips are lies. 

With strident resistance to virtually every mandate exacerbated by yet-another COVID variant and sustained by virulent anti-vaxxer factions, political observers believe the United States could fall to North Korea and its allies.

The same observers caution that those resisting President Biden's mandates would likely be viewed as enemies of the state should North Korea emerge victorious and summarily executed.

 At least they won't be made to suffer under a hostile democracy.

Resisting Quantification

I will admit that more NFL Hall-of-Famers were drafted in the first-round than any other. And that this probably applies to MLB, the NBA and the NHL as well.

But judging by the rampant hysteria surrounding the value of first-round picks, nothing so much as a reliable starter was ever drafted afterwards. The all-or-nothing premium placed on them borders on mental illness.

Anyone out there remember JaMarcus Russell? Brian Bosworth? Tony Mandarich? All had a yellow-brick road paved to Canton, OH. They merely had to show up.

But a funny thing happened on the way to the Hall of Fame. None of them made it. Career-wise, none of them even made it out of the driveway.

So. Fasten your seat belts: first-round picks are a crap shoot. Yep. With odds only marginally better than the rounds that follow. Humans continue to resist the most detailed and intrusive examination. We flower when no one thought us capable. And granted, we sometimes fail when—again—no one thought us capable.

We are difficult. Unquantifiable.

In a sport ruled by “experts”, I relish the fact that so many of the best quarterbacks I ever saw were drafted well outside of the first-round: Johnny Unitas, Bart Starr, Roger Staubach, Joe Montana, Brett Favre and (drumroll, please) Tom Brady.

If the “can't miss” tag overlooked so many of the all-time greats at the sport's most-scrutinized position, what does that say about our scrutiny? Our evaluation?

Not a whole lot, I'm afraid. Is anyone asking “What are we missing?”

Given the time, I'm confident I could assemble an All-NFL squad of third rounders every bit as potent as one crafted from first rounders. As I could in every other sport.

And yet our belief in this delusion persists and carries with it powerful consequences. For instance, the salaries enjoyed by first-round picks versus those picked in subsequent rounds.

For an NFL prospect, simply falling out of the first-round and into the second translates into a financial hit of 20%.

Without doing a survey on the relative success of first-round picks versus second-round picks, this is a startling difference. Is there really that much difference between number thirty-two and number thirty-three?

Alas, we are a society heavily invested in name brands and image and reputation. “How can you miss with a __________________ from Alabama versus a __________________ from Black Hills State University? You can't!”

Right?

It goes without saying I was delighted by the 2016 Major League Baseball Hall of Fame class, which featured Ken Griffey, Jr. and Mike Piazza. One was a can't-miss prospect lauded from the day he spouted pubic hair. The other was an afterthought.

Without enlisting the services of Google, can you tell me which was which?

Didn't think so.

If we are going to be utterly and completely honest, we need to admit the only thing drafts accurately predict are the sizes of signing bonuses and rookie contracts. Everything else is, like I said, a crap shoot.