Two Nights in Trumpland

After dusting and organizing my collection of Celine Dion CDs, I felt restless. So I turned on the TV. I scanned the listings, seeking mirth and merriment. It's not that Celine doesn't provide suitable amounts of merriment; I just needed it in another medium.

“Ah! This is just the thing!” I cried as I tuned in to day two of the Republican National Convention. It didn't take long for the mirth and merriment to materialize.

First there was the badly-bearded Eric Trump, speaking with the conviction and sincerity of a Walmart greeter telling you to have a nice day.

But he did hit his punchlines on cue, repeatedly telling us Donald was going to keep us safe. I said to no one in particular “From what? Pandemics? Recessions? Racial unrest? Election meddling? Oligarchies? Gutting the Post Office? Social Security? And Medicaid?”

But the real hilarity began when I realized half the country would believe him.

It is written that you can't fool all the people all the time. But as Trump's base has made perfectly clear, you can fool half the people one-hundred percent of the time.

Then there was the Trump shill who informed me we are in the midst of several “booms”. A car “boom”. A stock “boom”. And a consumer-spending “boom”. While I confess to not removing wax from my ears as frequently as my primary care provider would like, I have not heard any “booms”.

Have you?

Maybe you have to own shares in Apple to hear it.

Next was the first-ever endorsement of a presidential nominee by a sitting Secretary of State. It's unprecedented. It's unethical. And it may be illegal. But as we all should know by now, our law and order president is The Exception.

His law and order applies to you—not him.

Lastly, there was the fair Melania. She evinced glimpses of humanity in her comments addressing COVID-19, but lost me when she stated the Trump Administration “...would not stop” until the COVID pandemic has been vanquished.

I'm not worried about the administration stopping. I'm worried about it starting.

But compared to the ghouls and vermin stumping for Sir Lies-A-Lot, she clearly has a leg up. And by focusing on her party's strengths (such as they are) rather than participating in the de rigueur fear-mongering, she lends a touch of dignity to what has been a decidedly undignified presidency.

As an occasional glutton for punishment, I then tuned in for day three as well. And suffice to say, I found what I was looking for.

Leading off was daughter-in-law Lara Trump, a former waitress who won the life lottery by marrying the son of a billionaire.

Not surprisingly, she praised her father-in-law to the skies. To hear Lara tell it, Sir Lies-A-Lot has not only ripped away the glass ceiling for women in business, but has fostered paths to leadership like Johnny Appleseed sowed seeds.

See what grabbing a woman by the pussy can do?

Lara's incredibly good luck was the product of traditional Republican virtues like hard work and self-sufficiency. Personally, I attribute it to big blues eyes, (bleached) blonde hair and a not-unattractive figure.

That plus being just skanky-enough to appeal to a Trump male.

What do you think of Lara, Ivanka?

But the political equivalent of irritable bowel syndrome didn't end there. Yet to come was our vice-president, Michael R. Pence.

Have you ever known someone so oppressive that their company made you feel as if someone was holding a towel over your breathing apparatus? That their presence can actually be described as suffocating?

Hello and welcome to the Pence portion of tonight's program.

Like the Midwestern conservative he is, ol' Mike played it right down the middle. The flag. Patriotism. Our men in uniform. The flag. God. Guns. The flag again. Law and order. And God bless America.

As if his acceptance speech needed the visual emphasis, it was filmed at Fort McHenry—you know, the place where Francis Scott Key penned the national anthem.

Is your head hurting yet?

Yes, Mike's lone dimension was on display for over thirty excruciating minutes. To hear him tell it, Donald Trump is the strongest, most accomplished and most effective president in U.S. history. Which of course goes a long way towards explaining the mess we're in.

Personally, I can't wait to see it fact-checked.

Just like you're taught in a public speaking course, Mike dug in at the end. Voice rising, he reiterated the underlying RNC theme: “...we will have law and order on the streets of this country for every American of every race, creed and color.”

That remark brought the tepid audience out of its collective stupor and into an arm-waving, standing ovation.

Tell you anything?

Of course, Mike's definition of 'American' is suspect. As is his definition of 'violence'. Last night he defined it not as the sometimes over-eager trigger finger of law enforcement when it encounters Black Americans, but those selfsame citizen's response to it.

OK. Gotcha Mike.

Pence's speech was the same old Republican fear-mongering I've heard all my life. Biden's going to disarm you! Biden's going to open the borders to a flood of immigrants! Biden's going to raise your taxes! Biden's going to grow the government!

His will be an administration of lawlessness and disorder! One where Americans will not feel safe! We will sacrifice our freedom of religion and our sanctity of life! We will not be strong!

Or free.

If you say so, Mike.

On the other hand, with Biden we would have a president with a proven connection with reality. One who understands the job isn't about him. One who recognizes threats to the population at large and is capable of formulating a coherent response.

We'll have a functional Post Office. Trustworthy elections. Robust healthcare. Social Security. An administration not given to stealing from the poor and giving to the rich. Strong controls to keep our land, air and water pure. 

A population not kept on the knife-edge of fear at the whim of a sadistic president who likes nothing better than to stir the pot and chuckle at the resulting chaos.

We will live in a country led by a fully-functional adult.

Imagine.

White House Press Release 8/16/20 10:53 AM EDT

Staff geologists believe they have located a rare mineral—not seen since the last Democratic administration—that could hold untold benefits for future generations of Americans.

The substance, tentatively identified as cranium, will be excavated as soon as the unnamed site can be secured and begin operations.

A firm going under the name of 'Not Connected to Trump at All!' is prepared to mine, process, market and sell the material, although administration officials admit future applications are, at this point, a mystery.

Black Privilege? (Number-two)

Dear Black Lives Matter,

I want to stand with you. March with you. And wear your t-shirts. But I just can't. It is because you so frequently act as wantonly and as recklessly as the white power structures you deride.

Last Sunday afternoon, yet-another police shooting occurred on the south side of Chicago. Typically, before a single element of the event had been proven or disproven, social media was ablaze with rumors and threats.

That evening, a caravan of cars, trucks and vans converged on Michigan Avenue, which if you're not familiar with Chicago, is our version of New York City's Park Avenue. It is awash with high-end retailers of clothing, jewelry and anything else people with unbridled amounts of money and time need to fill the hollowness they feel after chasing—and getting—it all.

At any rate, the mob smashed windows and emptied those boutiques and shops of every piece of merchandise within.

Judging by your tone-deaf and anonymous press release the morning after, the looting was an entirely-justified response to what Black Lives Matter assumes is another racist and unwarranted police shooting.

Furthermore, since when do “protesters” (as you refer to them) come to a protest with glass cutters and hammers and rental trucks? Sunday night's looting was as spontaneous as sunrise—an entitlement its participants felt was justified because the Chicago Police Department—wrongly or rightly—shot a Black man.

Do I dare call it Black Privilege?

As with our current president, facts don't matter. Just your knee-jerk indignation does.

And while I'm questioning you, may I ask another?

I confess to not keeping tabs on every event you stage, but I am unaware of Black Lives Matter ever mounting a protest at the corner of say, Lake and Cicero, and calling out the scores and scores of Black gang-members who indiscriminately kill their own in service of the drug trade.

Don't those black lives matter? Or is it because there is no established (i.e. white) authority you can threaten/berate/criticize? You'll have to excuse me, but from my vantage point Black lives matter only when taken by white hands.

If I am uninformed as to the depth and breadth of your efforts, please set me straight. In all seriousness, I would be delighted to be wrong.

A French philosopher once observed that we become what we hate. And in the case of too many of Black Lives Matter's responses to serious events crying out for fact-based clarity, you are as assumptive and presumptuous as the police you loathe.

Again, like the police you say need to be defunded, re-organized, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, you are better at escalating conflict than you are at de-escalating it. And if that is your goal, congratulations.

But if you seek to educate and reform public and law enforcement perceptions, you are cutting off your nose to spite your face. Take it from a long-time viewer of Botched: nasal reconstructive surgery sucks.

Best of luck to you.

Signed,

An Old White Guy

Yay!

My unbridled derision of the NRA should be well-known to readers of The Square Peg. Asked to choose the single most-destructive entity in America, I would place it second, only after right-wing conservatism.

Which isn't bad for an industry trade association which modestly refers to itself as a non-profit organization seeking only to promote gun safety. Awww. Isn't that touching? If the NRA is promoting gun safety, all of us need a bulletproof vest—now.

That's because more than anything, the NRA is wildly expert at stoking fear and in turn, gun sales. Which is kind of odd for something claiming to be a non-profit interested in gun safety.

Also odd is the influence this little non-profit holds over Republican senators and representatives. I mean, how is it a little non-profit amasses the millions and millions of dollars necessary to finance campaigns for gun-friendly candidates?

Definitely something that makes you go “Hmmmm.”

As recent suits filed by state's attorneys in New York and in the District of Columbia show, the NRA has been a very profitable non-profit. Enough that CEO Wayne (spit) LaPierre (spit) has created a cool seventeen-million dollar golden parachute for himself in case the heat ever gets to be too much.

And by heat, I'm not referring to the multiple and extravagant trips to the Bahamas funded by NRA donors, either.

Under LaPierre's tutelage, the NRA has gone from a twenty-eight million-dollar surplus in 2015 to thirty-six million-dollar deficit just three years later. It should be obvious Democrats aren't the only ones who know a little something about deficit spending!

That's a sixty-four million-dollar swing, people. Also obvious it that a whole lot of money is coming from somewhere. Gosh. I wonder where?

The twin suits allege that the NRA is a fraud. That it is a for-profit political action committee that routinely flouts the conventions which bind non-profits.

Admittedly, calling the NRA a fraud is akin to describing Jeffrey Dahmer as anti-social. But it's a start. And a great one.

The toxic, wretched embarrassment that is the NRA needs to be ground underfoot like a cigarette butt. While current president Carolyn (spit) Meadows (spit) accuses New York State's Attorney Letitia James of being a—gasp!—political opportunist, one can only wonder what the United States would look like were it not for thirty years of mo' guns is mo' better gun policy.

It may require sex toys, but I pray Ms. James and Mr. Racine are able to fuck the NRA up its pasty white ass.

We're in This Together?

You gotta love Texas. As their department of tourism once described it, it's a whole 'nother country. And months into the COVID pandemic, it's obvious that wasn't just a tagline.

Texas was a leader in the we-don't-need-no-stinkin'-masks movement. Texans knew intuitively that masks were a hysterical response to something that didn't really exist. Swollen with ego and defiance, any Texan within range of a television camera was only too happy to tell you how tough they were. How indomitable.

Of the joy they took in flouting liberal's timid and fearful protocols.

And however saturated the population was with its teen-aged sense of invincibility, it reached even greater extremes within the offices of the state's Republican party. They were incapable of contamination. Or infection.

Of course, this was a falsehood concocted to keep the runaway train of Texas capitalism roaring, and if you didn't like it you should just stay the hell out of the way.

Social media is stuffed with footage of their constituents thumbing their nose at the new normals of mask wearing and social distancing. They frolicked in their pools and gathered in their roadhouses and cavorted on their beaches.

Yee-hah! Gimme a T for Texas! Don't mess with Texas! And all of that.

I once asked a native of Oklahoma why it was so windy there. “Texas blows” she said. “Or sucks. Take your pick.”

All was going swimmingly until governor Greg Abbott got infected. It wasn't an especially contagious virus and is actually pretty rare in twenty-first century Republican circles. It bears the name common sense.

In its clutches, Abbott began to act strangely. First there was the involuntary attention to facts. Abbott listened to them. Considered them. And most-dangerously, acted on them.

Then he (gulp) issued a statewide mask-mandate.

Not long afterwards, the skies inside the state's GOP headquarters turned black. Lightning flashed. Thunder boomed. The end of days had arrived. The state's Republican leadership swung into action. If they didn't, lives would be saved. Curves flattened. Economies offered a long-term chance at restoration.

First there was a social media smear campaign. Abbott was painted as a mask-wearin' sissy. Then 130 Republican leaders vowed to censure him. Resolutions slandering the governor filled the air.

Then they looked inwards. If they had lost Abbott, someone—or something—was to blame.

The party's brain trust  (yes—that's a thing) spent days picking lint from their navels, because nothing precludes a deep dive like lint. Just ask your dryer. How many deep thoughts has it had lately?

James Dickey, the sitting chairman, was fired. Apparently, he had transmitted the common sense virus to Abbott that lead the newly life-loving governor astray. Left unexplained was if Dickey were also infected, why didn't he resign from the party as opposed to being marginalized by it?

At any rate, it was decided Texas needed a genuine, ass kickin' right-winger to get the state back on track. And they found him.

Allen West is a tried and true, one-hundred percent freak-a-zoid. And he just happens to be African-American, a fact which state Republicans can exploit until November third.

Trump loves him because as a U.S. Army lieutenant colonel, West fired a gun at an Iraqi policeman's head during an interrogation. And as a member of the U.S. House of Representatives, characterized then-president Obama as a “low-level socialist agitator”.

And West is already borrowing liberally from the Book of Trump. In a video address to delegates, West reiterated his ability to issue executive orders (huh?) and referred to Abbott's mask mandate as “tyranny” and called it a “new battleground.”

However much I love the sights and sounds of Republican infighting, there is a sad truth here. And that is the hypnotized, heartened by the conservative anti-mask response, will continue to embrace it.

As I have stated before, I fully support the conservative death wish. At least in theory. It is my wish that every right-winger in the land refuse to wear a mask, congregate in tightly-packed indoor spaces and drink from one another's cups until dead.

Alas, the COVID virus has shown no ability to discern those who want it to thrive from those who wish to extinguish it. In other words, despite Republican's pro-life COVID stance, it won't just kill them.

It infects, sickens and kills indiscriminately.

Mr. West, it seems if anyone should be crying “Tyranny!” it is those of us who understand and respect the power and the scope of this threat to humanity, and yet risk illness and even death thanks to the politicized beliefs of the most-childish, selfish and ignorant elements of our society.

Texas Republicans are a panicked collection of people grasping at straws over something they can't shout or shoot away. At best, they lack the intestinal fortitude to face the challenges presented by sheltering in place, mask-wearing and social-distancing.

At worst, they appear willing to sacrifice everything (i.e. your life) for the economy. It must survive at any and all costs. How else to sustain the financial edge their favored brand of political leadership enjoys?

As it always has been, this is what is at the center of Republican action: politics and power—above all.