Random Thoughts, Vol. 14

Yes, you are correct. Previous editions of 'Random Thoughts' contained ten items, while this installment contains only seven.

Unfortunately, the ripple of shortages washing over the world is now lapping upon the shores of 'The Square Peg', and as a consequence we have but seven items to offer.

Thank you for your understanding.

My dad was a nuclear physicist. So I'm thinking it's not that surprising that he'd wake me with the words up and atom?

I suffer from low self-esteem. I blame this on the fact I was born and raised in the Lesser Antilles.

The only people in my neck of the woods who drive with a sense of urgency are the people behind me.

Is it true that language-app Babbel is developing a new program based on Bears' coach Matt Nagy?

If I get the message “We are experiencing an unusually high call volume” every time I call a business, is their call volume really unusually high?

Now that strike-outs frequently outnumber hits in a given month in Major League Baseball, is it fair to question when single 'A' ball got so expensive?

So, let me get this straight. in direct opposition to their cult leader's repeated cries for deregulation and lessened governmental oversight, Trumpers are concerned the COVID-19 vaccines didn't receive enough?

Random Thoughts, Vol. 13

After another divisive year where seemingly every public opinion is split right down the middle, I think we can all agree today is the final day of 2019.

So I'll take this opportunity to wish everyone a Happy New Year.

And pray we find more commonality next year than we did in this one. 

Is it okay to eat dark chocolate with the lights on?

As a man with a wife, do I get special commendation for even thinking of moving to a place called Romeoville?

If Donald Trump has a favorite football team, is has to be the New England Patriots. Spygate? Deflategate? Filming-the-opposition-from-the-press-box gate? Yep. These guys are as crooked as he is.

What I want to know is how you get your money back from California Psychics by denying theirs was the best reading you've ever had. I mean, they're psychics, right?

I'm still trying to figure out how I lost the government's name-a-dam contest. I'm telling you, God is an awesome name for a dam!

In a zero-tolerance society like ours, how is it we continue to tolerate Donald Trump?

With 210 episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond from which to choose, how is it my cable station can only rotate the same three-dozen week after week after week?

I will submit once again that the more-irritating the driver either directly in front of or directly behind you, the more-likely they're headed to the same destination you are.

Many people criticize Donald Trump for his insensitivity to minorities. To which I counter hey—ever heard of the one-percent?

Be as unbiased as death.

Random Thoughts, Vol. 12

What a raucous, divisive year it's been. The country hasn't torn itself in two just yet, so that's a good thing. Hopefully we can all agree it's New Year's Eve.

Plus, we're nearly halfway through the Trump presidency. On the not-so-bright side, we're just halfway through the Trump presidency.

President Petulant created lots of headlines this year, and however appropriate it would be to close 2018 with an all-Trump edition of Random Thoughts, sepsis remains a very real and very serious health threat.

Instead, we offer this half-cocked edition which, given the circumstances, seems entirely appropriate.

Enjoy.

The nice thing about grocery shopping in January (and yes, there is one) is that you rarely have to worry about ice cream melting. Or frozen pizza thawing. Or worst of all, beer skunking.

Does Donald Trump have any idea he's the country's number-one source of fake news?

No one playing for the Colorado Rockies should ever be eligible for leadership in any offensive statistical category. Ever.

A hundred bucks to the soul who correctly predicts the date Donald Trump demands that his likeness be used on American currency.

Engineering students should be tested on the meaning and implications of Murphy's Law before beginning this course of study.

Donald Trump loves to pull the fire alarm, yet is always surprised when the fire trucks show up.

If everyone is shopping online, why the hell couldn't I find a decent parking space two weeks ago?

Who's the guy that tells Donald Trump when to inhale and when to exhale?

Friday—the original pain reliever.

I'm thinking Donald Trump must be on the Viagra and Ex-Lax diet, because it's hard to tell whether he's coming or going.

Random Thoughts, Vol. 11

Is there a Republican out there who can explain to me why mandatory car insurance poses no threat whatsoever to our personal liberties, but how mandatory health insurance is the toxin that will lay waste to all of them?

If it weren't for gangster rap, I never would have known how Led Zeppelin sounded to my parents.

Is there anything more excruciating than watching Donald Trump attempting to look sincere?

After several people told me that Yosemite National Park would take my breath away, I wised-up and cancelled my trip.

Not all Republicans are racist, but all racists are Republicans.

Funny how when I return to my car from the supermarket, the type of vehicle which makes up half of all new car sales is parked on either side of me one-hundred percent of the time.

Donald Trump is the Albert Einstein of arrogance and stupidity.

When I think of the California home where children were starved, beaten and tortured, I'm so grateful their parents weren't aborted. Because that would be a crime.

Funny that just as our allegiance to our political parties has never been more-passionate, they have never been less-deserving of it.

Panties are next to the best thing on Earth. : )

Random Thoughts, Vol. 10

There is no more American sport than golf. Players are ranked not by tournament victories or a cumulative under or over par score, but by earnings. He who earns the most is best.

Isn't the labeling of any Friday as 'Good Friday' like, really redundant?

Once upon a time, we paid for cable TV because doing so meant it would remain commercial-free. In perhaps the greatest marketing scam ever foisted upon the American consumer, we now pay to watch commercials. Wow.

When it comes to sausage, brats are the wurst.

If everyone is shopping online, shouldn't traffic be lighter?

How ironic is it that while millions of living-wage jobs go unfilled because tight-fisted businesses don't want to train people, we have a president learning on the job?

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. 

When I was young, I would pay to watch horror movies in the hopes of receiving a good scare. In 2017 America, I need only get out of bed.

The most beautiful women in the world are on boxes of hair color.

Marriage has a ring to it.

Random Thoughts, Vol. 9

America is a country rich in authority and poor in leadership.

Comedy is no joke. When do we start presenting the 'Best Comedy' Oscar?

Donald Trump has learned that if he throws a stick, we will chase it. What is our so-called president doing while we obediently retrieve it?

If Scott Pruitt is going to head the EPA, can I head the NRA?

Tom Waits for no man.

Two of the states with the highest incidence of opioid abuse (West Virginia and Ohio) were also two of the states to lean most-decisively for Donald Trump in the 2016 Presidential Election. Coincidence?

I fully expect things will clear up in 2020.

I've always wanted to ask a coach of professional athletes “How do you get 23 year-old guys making eight-million dollars a year to do what you want them to?”

If memory serves, do I need to tip? 

Some of us see the cheese and some of us see the holes. Together, we form an accurate and complete picture of Swiss cheese.

 

Random Thoughts, Vol. 8

Do the vocal cords of people gifted with great voices look different from those of us with not-so-great voices?

How is it that no one questions the yawning chasm within the political platform that claims to espouse the sanctity of life, yet which refuses to ban assault weapons?

Never buy anything you aren't one day prepared to give or throw away.

Isn't it interesting that the coarser our culture gets, the gentler our language becomes?

How is it that globalization lowers American working-class wages but not executive ones?

Never accuse an American of having enjoyed a comfortable childhood.

So let me get this straight: a side-effect of Tamiflu is moderate to severe nausea and vomiting? Seriously?

Nothing like the guilt you feel when you realize you passed a freezer full of battered seafood at the supermarket and didn't even think of calling 911.

After witnessing the enormous sums spent on this year's elections, I now believe—with unshakeable certainty—that we have the best government money can buy.

Who introduced the bill that requires a Tae Kwon Do studio inhabit every strip mall in America?

Random Thoughts, Vol. 7

It has been a hideous year. A wretched, stinking, hideous year. It was the kind of year that immerses you in hopelessness. The kind of year where even a raise was turned on its head and became a liability.

Not surprisingly, the thoughts that collect in your brain resemble the pus that pools in an open wound. They are yellowish and opaque and resemble congealed gravy.

Most of them are sour. A few are jocular. Some aspire to profundity. Of course, there is a difference between aspire and success. Consider this your warning.

This is the caustic send-off 2015 deserves. You will be exultant to see it pass. And if it doesn't, you will cut it out with a knife—with or without anesthesia.

Is there a more-perfectly named basketball player than Tim Duncan?

The tragedy of the eighties was that Hinckley missed and Chapman didn't.

If the Koch brothers earned a combined $910,000 per hour in 2015, can't we make $15?

The FBI processed more background checks in 2015 than in any other year on record, meaning more fire arms were purchased than ever before. Are we safe yet?

Does former Bears coach Lovie Smith deserve early consideration for the Hall of Fame because he reached the Super Bowl with a team quarterbacked by Rex Grossman?

If not for wrapping your brain around the myriad of exclusions, exceptions and conditions that affect your coverage, predicting your needs for the coming year and dealing with the reams of paperwork that arrive (none of which contains the bill—at least until three days before it's due)—all under the threat of a government-imposed fine—we wouldn't need health insurance.

Is there a more-appropriately named street in America than Wall Street?

Do black lives matter only when they're taken by white hands?

Anyone who votes for Donald Trump deserves Donald Trump. But leave those of us with IQs out of it, OK?

And speaking of America, wasn't it a great idea?

Random Thoughts, Vol. 6

If failure is the best teacher, I ought to be a genius by now.

Does Tyler Perry have to put his name on everything?

If vehicle size were penis length, pick-up truck drivers would be the biggest dicks around. Oh wait—they are.

What would happen if we never heard the words ‘iconic’, ‘extreme’ and ‘transparency’ ever again?

Contrary to popular belief, politicians do keep their campaign promises—the ones made in private to their corporate sponsors.

If positive thinking really influenced outcomes, we’d all be lottery winners.

Maitre’d: Reservations? Me: Oh no—we’re happy to be here!

James McMurtry’s “We Can’t Make It Here” should be the national anthem.

The reason the wealthy need more money than the rest of us is they pay so much for everything!

If I were unemployed in 1628, I could say I was flat baroque.